Chris watches H8R.

Hey everybody!  Well, the summer officially ends next week and the weather is starting to behave accordingly.  After a summer that included a hurricane and an earthquake, I’m looking forward to a surprise-free autumn.  And nothing is more surprise-free than fall television programming!  Segue!  Around this time every year, networks throw a bunch of new pilots at the wall to see what sticks.  Sometimes they paint a masterpiece.  Most of the time they poop out a Jackson Pollack like today’s entry…

H8R!

You guys, this one was tough on your old pal Chris.  I’ve done a lot in the name of unpaid, un-fact-checked journalism.  I’ve watched terrible television.  I’ve eaten terrible food.  I’ve listened to Rebecca Black.  Ladies and gentlemen, H8R is the unkindest cut of all.  Et tu, Slater?  I saw a commercial for this show a few weeks ago and I knew…I knew I had to watch it.  I also feared that the mere viewing of this show might crush my spirit and render me, for the rest of my days on earth, a cynic.  Let’s talk about H8R and why it might be the worst thing in the world!

Albert Clifford Slater

If you haven’t heard of H8R before (excellent work, by the way!) it has a very simple premise.  Mario Lopez (television’s A.C. Slater!) introduces D-List celebrities to the regular people who hate them.  That could be a good reality show!  Keep in mind, being a good reality show is like being the prettiest patient in a burn ward.  There’s potential for some mindless entertainment watching celebrities and their critics spar for an hour.  The problem with H8R is that the producers are firmly of the opinion that celebrities are right and the rest of America is so, so wrong.

In each episode, two celebs confront their vocal critics and try to win them over.  Our first pseudo-famous person is Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi from Jersey Shore.  A.C. Slater collects Snooki from her hotel room where we find her poured into a black dress with light-up heels on.  Relatable!  We are next introduced to Nick, Snooki’s “H8R” or “hater” if you’re not a goddamned idiot.  Snooki confronts Nick and asks him why he harbors such ill feelings toward her.  Nick expresses exactly why he dislikes her through a series of incredibly salient arguments.  For example:

1. Snooki is paid millions of dollars to portray a negative Italian-American stereotype on television.

2. Snooki isn’t even Italian.  She’s Chilean.  Like those miners!

3. Snooki cashed in further on her negative image by publishing a book (the pages of which are, no doubt, bound by vomit burps and venereal disease).

4. Snooki has a CHOICE about the way she is seen by the public.  If she stops acting like a drunken clown on TV everyone will stop treating her like one.

Role model!

Case closed, right?  Being a “reality star” means that you are theoretically playing yourself on television.  Therefore, if you behave like an ass on TV it is implicitly understood that you behave like an ass in real life.  Accepting a truckload of money to sully your good name means that you can’t have it both ways.  Either you give up the paychecks and try to live a life you can be proud of OR you keep acting like a buffoon all the way to the bank.  Nick spelled this out for Snooki who insisted that he hadn’t yet met the “real” her.  Again, trying to show America the “real you” doesn’t hold a lot of water when you do it ON ANOTHER REALITY SHOW!

America’s heartburn, Mario Lopez, forces Nick and Snooki to go on a play date to the grocery store.  The unlikely pair shops for ingredients to a meal that Snooki will be preparing for Nick’s large Italian family.  It’ll be like an episode of All in the Family but…you know…tense.  Snooki asks if a bottle of wine from 2009 has expired.  Way to rehab the old image, Snook!  The needle is wavering between "Savvy Businesswoman" and "Severe Learning Disability."  Snooki heads home to meet the family who, despite their obvious distaste with her, act like gracious human beings the way nice people do.  The producers take this as a sign that Snooki has charmed a divided nation and wrap up the segment.  Good news…we’re only halfway through this train wreck!

Douche!

Onward and downward!  We next meet Jake Pavelka.  He was the bachelor on that one show…The Bachelor!  Jake is a handsome wood pile who cheated on his TV fiancé and is an all-around douche canoe.  Jake’s hater is an opinionated young girl named Danielle.  Mario Lopez, for reasons known only to him, instructs Jake to behave like a total dick towards Danielle.  You know, to win her over!  While Danielle is relaxing next to a pool, Jake strips to his bathing suit and starts doing pushups.  He then starts hitting on Danielle who quickly informs him that she hates his guts.  Since he was given carte blanche by Mario Lopez, Jake then creepily tries to buy a drink for Danielle who is 20 YEARS OLD.   Ugh.  This show is unappealing on a molecular level.

Jake takes Danielle on a plane ride which she is thoroughly unimpressed by.  His next tactic is to take this poor young girl to The Bachelor mansion which Jake considers “near and dear” to his heart.  Danielle astutely asks why Jake doesn’t have any other sides to his personality.  When Danielle asks Jake for one of his best qualities he answers “morally, I’m great.”  Danielle observes that Jake is just trying to clean up his image and has only deepened her initial impressions of him.  Danielle is a little spitfire and I’m proud of her response to this onslaught of skeeviness on an almost parental level.  Her only foible is that she’s a 20-year-old Californian girl and, as such, uses the word “like” 62 times (I counted) during her brief amount of screen time.  Jake, after realizing that he will never convince Danielle of his non-douchiness sends her away and declares, “She does not get a rose.”  Fuck this show.  If it isn’t canceled after the pilot episode I am moving to Wyoming and stocking up on canned goods and crossbows. 

Well, that is more than enough of that, friends!  I am going to go take 3 showers and I’ll meet you back here next week!  Happy football season, boys and girls!

Chris goes gluten-free.

Hello dudes and dudettes!  Although I promised to have the Top Secret Internuts Project ready to go there are a couple scheduling issues that still need to be ironed out.   You’d think the Dalai Lama would have nothing but free time!  It looks like it’ll be ready for sampling in the next week or two barring a catastrophe.  In the meantime, I recently polled my Facebook friends about what I should write about this week.  The overwhelming response (2 votes!) was that I should taste test some gluten-free, milk-free, soy-free, all natural Chili Macaroni.  The runner up was a story about a perilous drive down a mountainside in Virginia but that will have to wait for another day.  Let’s dive right in and get a mouthful of…

Allergaroo Chili Mac!

I think the first thing that needs to be addressed is the Allergaroo mascot.  It’s an alligator.  “Alligator” shares a bunch of letters with “allergies.”   This should have been a slam dunk, marketing team!  So, why is the name of the company “Allergaroo?”  How did a kangaroo get mixed up in this?  Did an alligator mate with a kangaroo to make some kind of high-jumping, iron-jawed monster from the dyspeptic bowels of a Lovecraftian fever dream?  No.  I’m pretty sure they just tacked “roo” on the end of the name.  Why couldn’t they name the company “Allergator” and get rid of the stupid kangaroo all together?  Or, more to the point, why couldn't they name themselves “If-you’re-eating-this-you-got-dealt-a-shitty-hand-in-life-gator?” 

Silly mascots aside, the folks at Allergaroo are doing some noble work for kids with food allergies.  The company’s mission statement reads: “I am happy to provide a line of ready-made dishes that I believe your kids will love and you will know is food allergy safe. Allergaroo products are formulated to be free of the 8 most common food allergens (wheat (gluten), milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, fish and shellfish).”  Lucky for me there won’t be any fish in this macaroni!  I’m not allergic…you just shouldn’t put fish in macaroni.  It’s gross.

 

I still won't mention "nuts."  I'm better than that.

It’s estimated that 12 million people in the United States suffer from food allergies.  Severe allergies result in upwards of 30,000 E.R. visits and 100-200 deaths each year in the U.S. alone.  Food allergies affect more people than I would have imagined but, looking at the “Big Eight” list of allergies, I know someone that falls into each category.  But there’s more!  Celebrities, on the rare occasions when they eat food, are also prone to food allergies.  Just like us normals!  Drew Barrymore is allergic to garlic and coffee which led to her nickname “Fresh Breath” Barrymore.  Billy Bob Thornton is allergic to wheat, shellfish and dairy leaving him nothing to eat but French-fried pertaters.  American songbird, Clay Aiken, has a long list of food allergies including mint, shellfish, tree nuts, mushrooms and chocolate.  You’ll be happy to learn that I just used “Clay Aiken” and “nuts” in the same sentence without taking the low road.  Today I put aside childish things and become a man.

Now we're talking...

Although nut allergies remain the most common, wheat (gluten) allergies can be the most daunting.  For people with Celiac disease, gluten coats the small intestine making it impossible to absorb necessary nutrients.  Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley, rye and malts and it’s also a popular additive in food and cosmetics.  Gluten does not discriminate when it comes to religion.  It is present in matzah balls and communion wafers alike.  Sadly, almost all forms of alcohol are made with some form of gluten.  Luckily, some ingenious brewers have developed gluten-free beer using buckwheat and sorghum instead of the common grains.  Swearing off bread and beer is hard enough but gluten also sneaks into places you’d never expect to find it.  Gluten can pop up in nacho cheese, seasoned rice, baked beans, imitation crab, dry roasted nuts and seeds, lunch meat, hot dogs, soup, salad dressing, frosting and seasoned potato/corn chips.  Do you know how many foods have gluten in them?  The best kinds!!!  Just so I don’t bum out my gluten-free readers, this is what the rest of us are shoveling in our faces…

This is a big bowl of gluten.  Seriously.

Considering how prevalent gluten can be, it’s obvious why there is a market for Allergaroo.  No food can be completely trusted without scouring the list of ingredients and, even then, there’s a danger of contamination.  The appeal of a quick, safe, non-allergenic meal is clear…especially to harried parents.  I tip my hat to Allergaroo (mascot notwithstanding) for providing such a thoughtful product.  But, now we come to the matter at hand.  Can it possibly taste good?

My pouch of Allergaroo Chili Mac informs me that it contains no gluten, milk or soy.  The ingredient list includes tomato paste, rice pasta, rice flour, pinto beans, and various spices.  I guess rice is the replacement grain of choice.  The Chili Mac earns bonus points for convenience.  Preparation consists of opening the pouch, placing in the microwave for a minute and eating.  I dump my macaroni into a bowl and take a whiff.  The scent of tomato and onion are overpowering but not in a bad way.  It smells like every Chef Boyardee product that has ever been or will ever be.  The pinto beans look a little out of place but I suppose they are a meat substitute and not unheard of in veggie chili.  I balance a heaping helping of Chili Mac on my spoon and take a bite…

Yum!

Now, there are two ways to rate this food.  As an easily prepared, allergy-safe stand-in for SpaghettiO’s this is an absolute success.  It’s ready to eat in seconds, it tastes pretty good and (if you’re allergic) it will not kill you.  That’s a win!  As a food, there are some problems.  The rice pasta is way too firm.  The texture of everything is just a little bit off and the flavor is exactly like you’d expect from a pre-cooked pasta dish.  But it doesn’t claim to be filet mignon.  Allergaroo Chili Mac tastes as good as any Chef Boyardee product that I’ve eaten and that is a great success.  This is a quick and easy snack with the added benefit of not killing people with food allergies.  Unlike this son of a bitch…

Does he have pasta sauce on his hands or the blood of children?  Pasta sauce is the answer!

Alrighty, Internuts!  That’s all for today but I’ll be back next week.  Until then, stay safe and don’t dip your hot dog in frosting if you have Celiac disease.  Or if you don’t have Celiac disease.  Either way.

Chris expands your musical horizons.

Hello, friends!  I'm currently neck-deep in the production of the Top Secret Internuts Project.  If all goes according to plan, it'll be ready for public consumption next week.  Have your bibs ready because there's gonna be so much drawn butter!*  In the meantime, I'm going to be very lazy and share a bunch of my favorite music mashups instead of, you know, writing words.  Relax, put your earbuds in and I'll see you all next week!


*Plastic bibs are recommended but not required for the enjoyment of the Top Secret Internuts Project.


The Mashups!

Pink Floyd and The Bee Gees...together at last!

I can take or leave Annie Lennox but Adele is awesome and this remix is phenomenal.

Petula Clark's "Downtown" mixed with "Octopus's Garden."  I still can't listen to "Downtown" without thinking about Seinfeld.

Ozzy Osbourne meets A-Ha.  This works surprisingly well!

Nirvana and Michael Jackson.  Do I have to write more?  Listen to this.  Now.

This isn't the best mashup of the group but it does feature Christopher Walken dancing so it's well worth your time!




Alright, these next two aren't mashups at all. They're just really good...

The Punch Brothers (featuring the world's best mandolin player, Chris Thile) covering "Kid A" by Radiohead.  If you only listen to one painstakingly accurate bluegrass cover of a Radiohead song, this should be the one.  For purists only!

And I'll leave you with one of my favorite bands performing one of my favorite songs by one of my other favorite bands.  Please, enjoy The Derek Trucks Band (featuring Susan Tedeschi) performing "The Weight."  Stay clear of that hurricane, Internuts, and I'll seeya back here next week!

Chris survives an earthquake.

I don't want to alarm you guys but the earth was just shaking for a minute!  I put up with east coast winters specifically to avoid stuff like this.  Get it together, geologists!!!

Chris stands in the place where he lives.

Hey there, gang!  The days are getting shorter, the air is getting cooler, and a new school year is about to begin.  That’s right, Internuts, summer is drawing to a close.  I, for one, will be greeting autumn with open arms!  Fall has always been my favorite season.  I love the cool weather, the changing leaves and the opportunity to cover my beer gut in a hooded sweatshirt.  Since I’m already filling you in on my seasonal preferences (and beer gut), let me tell you a little bit about the spot where I’ll be carving jack-o’-lanterns this year.  It’s my adopted hometown of…

Conshohocken!

You can see me if you squint.

I originally put down stakes in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania to be closer to my office (as many of you know I am a wealthy haberdasher and bon vivant).  Thankfully, “Conshy” has provided me with more than a short commute over the last few years.  Conshohocken is about one square mile in size and situated on the east bank of the Schuylkill River, a few short miles from Philadelphia.  The name “Conshohocken” is taken from a Native American phrase which means “Pleasant Valley.”  As a resident who is required to correctly spell “Conshohocken” on a regular basis, I can attest that “Pleasant Valley” would have sufficed just fine.  Here’s an insider’s trick: make sure you always include a “hoho” when you write “Conshohocken” and if that fails just write illegibly!

This doesn't end well...

William Penn, namesake of the pencil*, purchased the land around Conshohocken in 1683 from the Tammany Indians.  Penn then installed hardwood floors and a finished basement and “flipped” the land to local Quaker, Jasper Farmer (a farmer) for a tidy profit.*  William Penn would go on to build and, subsequently climb to the apex of, City Hall in Philadelphia where he was ultimately shot to death by bi-planes.*  Jasper Farmer went on to divide his land between a number of other Quaker families who would begin the industrialization and incorporation of Conshohocken.

*Untrue.

Yes, this is a strip club.

Conshy would go on to play an important role in the Revolutionary War.  The aforementioned role being an escape route for terrified retreat from the British.  In 1778, General Lafayette led 2000 troops across the Schuylkill crying “Mettons-nous la baise outta esquiver” or “Let’s get the fuck outta Dodge.*”  Another hero of the Revolution was Edward “Ned” Hector, one of the few free African American men to fight for the Continental Army.  Hector holds a special place in my heart because I happen to reside on Hector Street.  Hector Street: home of two bars, a nut store, a deli, a strip club…and me!  Take that, Redcoats!!!

*Tremendously untrue.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves!  A census tells us that, in 1833, Conshohocken had one store, one tavern, one rolling mill, one grist mill and six houses.  Not a strip club to be found!!!  Following the war, Conshohocken began an industrial boom that would last well into the 20^th century.  The natural resources of the area combined with easy access to the Schuylkill (and later, railroads) made Conshohocken a major supplier to the growing metropolis of Philadelphia.   To bastardize a quote from The Simpsons, Conshohocken was a city on the…grow!

A helluva town.

It's a proud day as Springfield Conshohocken is declared one of America's four hundred fastest-growing cities.  And why not?  Business is booming!  Half the country wears Springfield Conshohocken galoshes.  And say hello to the state's first Aqua-Car factory.  Keep 'em coming, boys!  The city's even in the celebrity business.  Everyone knows Professor Rubbermouth hails from Springfield Conshohocken. Everybody's chipping in; even this fellow [a dog pulling a wagon with a sign, "I'll pull for Springfield Conshy"] has Springfield Conshohocken's can-do spirit.  So watch out, Utica: Springfield Conshohocken is a City On the...Grow!

Stereotypes!!!

According to a respected history of Conshohocken, the booming town attracted “young, unmarried transient men.”  This would explain how I wound up here with a hobo’s bindle and a song in my heart.  By 1900, most of the “unmarried transient men” had become married and decidedly less transient.  While earlier residents began to plant their roots in the community (if you know what I mean) a surge of immigrants arrived to work the many factory jobs available.  Most represented among the new arrivals were the Irish.  The Irish neighborhoods were known locally as Irishtown, Whiskey Lane and Cork Row.  I think it’s safe to say that people had some hang-ups about the Irish back then.  Luckily, a recent influx of college students and young professionals has restored Conshohocken to the whiskey-soaked Gomorrah it was meant to be!

The industrial boom continued through the middle of the 20^th century while the factories of Conshohocken produced sorely needed supplies for both World Wars.  Eventually, the need for steel and rubber declined and the leaders of industry started to “mettons-nous la baise outta esquiver.”  Many of the pre-industrial factories closed or were repurposed.  The roving hoards of drunken Irishmen became married and decidedly less drunken.  Conshohocken was slowly being deserted. 

Luckily, urban redevelopment began in 1974.  Most of the deserted factories were cleared away and new businesses began to spring up (including the office I currently work in).  The completion of the Matsonford Bridge connected Conshy to the main thoroughfares of Eastern Pennsylvania (Routes 76 and 476).  A large section of land next to the Schuylkill was transformed into luxury condominiums.  Things were looking up…

Until 2008, when this happened…

Oh boy...

A fire began in an unfinished building of the Riverwalk Millenium apartments (where the sprinklers had not yet been installed).  The fire spread to the other buildings of the apartment complex until it was an 8-alarm blaze.  86 fire companies were called in to battle the inferno.  Thankfully, no lives were lost in the fire (with the exception of a few slow-moving cats) and the apartments have since been rebuilt and opened for new residents (with LOTS of working sprinklers).  The property damage was estimated at $80 million.  Burn.

DUN DUN.

And that brings us up to present day!  I’ll share one damning anecdote before I loudly sing the praises of my new home.  I never shared this story with my parents so, Mom and Dad, I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily and I hope the statute of limitations has expired on this particular story.   Here we go!  A few months after moving to Conshy I spent the night in Philadelphia with a friend of mine.  The next morning, I received a troublesome text message from my roommate informing me that we had been robbed.  After a tense (hung-over) train ride home I learned that someone had broken into our house, stolen a bunch of high-priced electronics and rolled.  Included in the purloined goods were an HDTV, a laptop, a few cell phones and various other prized possessions.  The Conshohocken Police were notified and it didn’t take long to realize that one of the stolen cell phones had a tracking feature.  Jump to a few hours later when a call was placed to the phone and the police could HEAR IT RINGING inside a local residence.  All the stolen goods were found and the perpetrators were summarily incarcerated.  The entire investigation lasted about 6 hours.  Needless to say, alarms were placed on the doors and windows shortly thereafter.

My stint as a local crime fighter notwithstanding, my time in Conshohocken has been fantastic!  I can walk to work.  I can walk to several phenomenal bars and restaurants!  I can walk to a train to go into Philly!  I can walk to Edwards-Freeman Nut Store (THE SAME NUT STORE I PREVIOUSLY REFERENCED)!  Conshohocken is a perfect mixture of big city excitement and small town convenience and I plan to reside here for the foreseeable future.  Alrighty, my Internuts, that’s all for now!  I’ll meet you back here real soon!  

Chris eats squid in ink sauce.

Hey everybody!  Let me start today with a bold proclamation: this is going to my favorite blog ever.  Now, I certainly don’t have the hubris to say that my writing will be particularly good.  It will be funny in a lukewarm sort of way and rife with grammatical errors like it always is.  However, I had more fun researching today’s entry than any other post I’ve done for this site.  Apparently, I entered the perfect combination of unrelated words into my search engine and I can’t wait to show you what I stumbled upon.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves!  Please, friends, strap yourselves in and get ready to learn way too much about…

Squid in Ink Sauce!

Typical...

It has been three full months since last I sampled some gross-looking food for your amusement, my dear readers.  It looks like that streak is about to come to an end.  Today’s taste test began like all the others…while walking around in my local Whole Foods looking for stuff that might make me dry heave.  Let me tell you, folks…no marginally-popular-blogger-with-an-infrequently-recurring-food-testing-feature worth his or her salt would pass up a can of squid in ink sauce!  It’s irresistible!  But before we crack the lid and dig in, let’s learn a little something about the fascinating sea beast I’m about to put in my tummy tum tum!

A squid in the wild.

Squid are terrifying alien creatures that would sooner eat your face than look at you.  Unlike their cousin, the cuddly octopus, squid have 10 arms (the standard 8 limbs plus 2 long tentacles to drag sailors to the murky depths of the sea to be consumed, body and soul).  Squid possess something called salivary papilla.  Oh, you haven’t heard of salivary papilla?  Let me fill you in, dummy!  You know that little mouth that shoots out of the alien in Alien?  Bingo!  Salivary papilla is a toothy extension of the squid’s tongue that it uses to drill into shell and bone.  Also, squid ACTUALLY SECRETE ACID FROM THEIR MOUTHS, so…yeah.

This is to scale.

Squid do not socialize with other squid.  They generally keep to themselves and make fiendish plans with their unnervingly large brains.  Squid are the Unabombers of the ocean.  They also get around like underwater Blue Angels.  Squid have built in jets that propel water out their butts fast enough that squid can travel 25 mph in deep water.  And guess what…they can grow to be big.  Really, really big.  The Colossal Squid has been estimated to reach 46 feet long.  Its eyes are 16 inches across (like an extra-large pizza).  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the skin of a squid is covered in chromatophores which change color faster than any land animal.  Squid are better chameleons than chameleons are.  Watch this.  Seriously...watch this.

Alright, I’m about to tell you a story that begins with me researching this article and ends with a Japanese sex doll.  While I was bouncing around websites I remembered a podcast I heard a few months ago about octopi (not quite squid but close enough).  I suggest you give it a listen…it’s really good.  Anyhow, the affable hosts describe something called the Pillow Octopus.  This stuck in my mind because the male Pillow Octopus is a few centimeters long and the female Pillow Octopus is 40,000 times that size.  AND THEY STILL GET IT ON!!!  That’s like an average sized man getting down and dirty with a woman 4 times the size of The Statue of Liberty!  If you’re wondering about the logistics of this sinful act, the male Pillow Octopus holds its sperm in one of its tiny little arms, BREAKS THAT ARM OFF ITS BODY and gives it to the female to get the job done.  Nature!

Now, that’s some interesting stuff and I wanted to find a cool picture to post of the Pillow Octopus for your enjoyment at home.  Being the naïve young lad that I am, I typed “pillow octopus” into Google image search and was simply astounded by what I found.  As it turns out, there is an “octopus pillow” on the market from Japan that is meant to be voraciously humped by lonely women.  To give you a glimpse behind the curtain here at Internuts Headquarters, I actually spit coffee out of my mouth when I found this.  AND IT GETS BETTER!  The manufacturers of this plush, pink invertebrate (you’d think they’d want it to have a bone…ZING!) were nice enough to offer their own selling points.  The following is transcribed EXACTLY as I found it…

Have you ever envied your friends for owning so lovely a toy pillow? We are so excited to recommend you such bracelet. This toy pillow is perfect for pretend play, nap time, lounging and kids room decor. Surely your friends will envy you the other way round on condition that you home such a toy pillow by yourself.

Wait...

Many girls like toys, so boyfriend often buy some animal toys for their girlfriend. If you are worried what you should buy for you girlfriend, come on! We will introduce this octopus pillow to you. This octopus pillow will be your best choice for you. When your girlfriend received the stuffed octopus toy, she will feel you are always with her. She will never be afraid on a dark night because your octopus pillow will be her good fellow, it will always stay with her. These plush stuffed animals feature super cozy material, touches soft and comfortable. Of course you can decorate your room with it! Wherever you are at home, office or car, it will be a good accessory for your room. Your family also likes it.

Wait...what?!?

You guys, I’ve been reading and re-reading those two paragraphs all day.  I’m considering having them both chiseled on my tombstone.  I hope you find that as funny as I do because bringing this octopus pillow to the attention of a wider audience has become my new goal in life.

What were we talking about?  Ahh, squid in ink sauce!  At this point, I’m only barely paying attention to the food I’m supposed to eat.  Eating squid doesn’t really phase me.  I’ve had calamari plenty of times and I’ve eaten squid at sushi bars before.  What really got be riled up was the ink.  Squid ink is composed primarily of melanin (which gives it the dark color) and mucus.  That’s gross.  In the wild the squid will squirt a large cloud of ink as a “smokescreen” to confuse predators.  They will also produce smaller, denser globules of ink to act as decoys.  This behavior is way too smart for an invisible monster with acid saliva!

Seriously?

I pop the top of my tin of squid and take a sniff.  It smells fishy.  This is to be expected, I suppose.  The squid is broken into smallish chunks but the overall appearance is disconcerting.  The ink is black and oily.  I spear a particularly succulent looking hunk of squid and give it a taste.  Well, it’s pretty good!  The color is very off-putting but it tastes like any other piece of squid.  A little rubbery but pleasant enough.  There is a bunch of salt in the ink sauce (probably as a preservative) but it takes the edge off nicely.  I would not hesitate to try squid in ink sauce again but I might close my eyes while I do it.

Try to not think of this when you go to sleep tonight!

Alrighty, Internuts!  That brings us to the conclusion of today’s installment.  I hope you learned a little something about squid.  I hope you learned a lot about Japanese hump octopi.  I am still hard at work on The Top Secret Internuts Project and will unveil it as soon as possible.  Until then, I’ll try to be more diligent about putting out a new blog post each week.  Until next time!

Chris teases you a little bit...

Hey you guys!  I've been hard at work at the Secret Internuts Project but I wanted to give you a first look at the progress that's been made so far so you don't think I've been napping this whole time (I've only been napping most of this time).  Take a listen and keep checking in for the finished product (it'll probably be a few weeks).  


Say hi to your mother for me,
Chris