Chris watches 16 and Pregnant.

Hello again, Internuts!  It’s so nice to be back!  I apologize for my prolonged absence but, as most of you know, I have been away for the last week and a half.  Let me explain.  Around this time every year I travel to the Cayman Islands to indulge my greatest vice…pony fighting.  For the uninitiated, pony fighting is very similar to dog fighting except that the ponies mostly just nuzzle each other and eat grains before adorably falling asleep.  Very little money changes hands.  But, now I’m home and I’m feeling rested enough to present you with…

 16 and Pregnant!

Left behind.

As any credible scientist will tell you, the Rapture is taking place this Saturday.  About time!  Traffic has been a nightmare!  My last six Rapture parties have been a complete bust.  What am I going to do with all those Kirk Cameron piñatas?  If the Rapture does go down I sort of hope I’m left behind to see how confused everybody from the Westboro Baptist Church will be when they aren’t sucked up to Heaven.  Talk about having egg on your face!  But seriously, those people are fucking terrible.  Anyhow (being faced with the end of the world and all) the only thing I wanted to do was watch, notate, and review MTV’s 16 and Pregnant.  Take that, last precious minutes with loved ones!

Hi Danielle!

Full disclosure: I’ve seen 16 and Pregnant a few times before.  It is equal parts cautionary tale and broad comedy.  Today’s episode centers on Danielle.  Hi Danielle!  MTV kindly gives me a crash course on Danielle’s life.  She used to be a good student but got mixed up with the wrong crowd in her freshman year of high school.  She started to fight with her mom (who is 32…I’ll let you do that math) and moved out of the house.  She met her boyfriend Jamie and was pregnant within 4 months.  Apparently, the “No Protection Whatsoever Plan” is not ironclad.  Danielle moved back home with her mom and the show finally begins.  Thanks to MTV’s editing practices, I learned all that back-story in 9 seconds.

Our narrative begins while Danielle is 33 weeks pregnant.  Thanks to my desktop calculator, I can tell you that 33 weeks is about 8 months.  MATH IN ACTION!  Danielle and Jamie are kicking back and discussing their initial attraction.  Here’s a taste of the witty repartee…

Jamie

You understood, like, what I was talking about and I could have a actual conversation with you without you saying something that had nothing to do with what we was talking about.

Danielle

We had good convo…

No kidding, good convo!  It’s like Oscar Wilde shooting the breeze with another Oscar Wilde!  I haven’t been sixteen for about 11 years and it is discomforting to learn how dumb I probably was.  We jump a few weeks ahead and Danielle’s mom is advising that the young couple will need at least $300 a month for the baby.  Jamie works at McDonalds and makes $300 every two weeks.  I am not a wealthy man by any means but $600 a month seems ridiculously low.  They should really have a tip jar at McDonalds.  These children have children to feed!  Danielle and Jamie sit on a swing set and try to work out a budget.  The pair realize that babies cost money (and I’m pretty sure that $300 is really lowballing it) and start to fight about their finances.  I start to get the feeling that I’m watching a movie but I already know the twist ending.

Delicious?

We’re now at week 38.  Danielle is craving chalk and nail polish remover.  I’ve heard about pickles and ice cream.  Is this a thing?  Moms: please send me an email if you ever craved chalk or nail polish remover during your pregnancy.  Danielle starts to get, what she describes as, lightning bolt pains in her lady parts.  Does that mean that she will have to defeat Voldemort?  No.  She’s having contractions!  Danielle’s mom drives her to the hospital and the doctor recommends inducing labor.  It’s Showtime!

Before we delve into the miracle of childbirth, I’d like to take a moment to talk about the commercials on MTV.  I understand that advertisers want to cater to their target demographic but this is ridiculous.  16 and Pregnant is an hour long and there have been just 2 commercials playing on a continuous loop.  The first commercial is for Taco Bell.  The second commercial is for Proactiv Skin Care Solutions.  At first, I was delighted by this ironic pairing but as the hour went by I became more and more paranoid.  This has to be some kind of back room deal, right?  We’re through the looking glass here, people…

Alright, enough talk about overstuffed tacos...let’s talk childbirth.  I’m ashamed of myself!  Danielle is given an IV to help speed up her contractions.  I’m not going to lie.  Having a baby looks awful.  It’s often described as “pushing a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon.”  I think a far more apt description is “pushing a human person out of a vagina.”  I’m not sure how all the produce got involved.  No matter how you look at it, Danielle is in a LOT of pain.  She’s given an epidural and the baby stops breathing.  COMMERCIAL BREAK.  Are you kidding me, MTV?!?  It’s like they know I’m not paying attention so they purposefully endanger a newborn.  AND WE’RE BACK!  As expected, Jamie Jr. has been born and is in perfect health.  Whew.

YES, BABIES ARE ADORABLE!!!

Danielle and Jamie get a crash course in diaper changing from a nurse and are released into the world to care for another human being.  Danielle stays with her mom for a week but decides to move in with Jamie.  Jamie who works at McDonalds.  But wait!  Apparently, Jamie missed too many shifts leading up to the birth so he got fired.  Fired from McDonalds.  So, now there is no household income.  After a few weeks, Danielle finds a free daycare to leave the baby at so she can do her homework and Jamie can go to work with his dad.  Jamie is upset by the idea of putting their newborn baby in daycare.  The new parents fight and Jamie storms off for good (I think).  Danielle sensibly moves back in with her mother and the show is over.  This is depressing!

Final Thoughts:

Lies.

If you’re a teenager and you’re having unprotected sex…you are dumb.  Whether you believe in abstinence or birth control, try to avoid having a baby when you’re 16.  Reality is nowhere near as quirky and whimsical as Juno.  Well, that’s all for today, my friends.  It’s good to be back and I’ll have some new posts for you next week.  Have a fantastic weekend!