Chris watches True Blood.

Hey there, fang bangers!  I must apologize for my prolonged absence.  I have been suffering under the demands of a busy schedule, the terrible effects of nicotine withdrawal, and run-of-the-mill summer laziness.  These long days of summer simply don’t lend themselves to blog writing!  I’ll try to motivate myself a little better and write at least one new post each week.  And - not to dangle a metaphorical (or literal) carrot in front of your face - but I have some cool new stuff in the works that will be unfurled in the weeks to come.  Stay tuned!  In the meantime, whether you love this show or are too cheap to pay for HBO let’s see what’s new on…

True Blood!

Now, THAT'S how you get pink eye!

Spoiler Alert:  If you haven’t seen the season 4 premiere of True Blood, I’m going to be discussing it in detail.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Before we recap True Blood together, let me fill you in on my complicated relationship with this television program.  I have been watching True Blood since the very beginning.  “That’s not very complicated,” you say.  Shut up for a minute, dummy!  I have watched every season of this show and I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH!!!  I’ve tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for this but I can only come up with two explanations…and both of them are boobies.  I like boobies!  I like vampires, I like serialized television, I like plot twists…but I REALLY like boobies.  That said, let’s see if boobies will be enough to keep me interested in tonight’s episode!

Boobies!!!

I saw a quick preview of this episode about a week ago and it looked unnervingly bad.   We join our gal Sookie in the Fairy Realm.  If you’re wondering what a Fairy Realm looks like, it looks like an Olive Garden with a lot of glowing fruit hanging from fake trees.  Sookie was brought to this mystical Olive Garden by her…wait for it…Fairy Godmother!  I am starting to lose faith in this entire endeavor.  Sookie notices her dead Gran-Pappy, Bill Lumbergh, chowing down on a glow apple.  Sookie catches up with Lumbergh and meets Mab, the Queen of the Fairies.  Sookie wisely decides that the light-up fruit is bad news and things go downhill in a hurry.  Within minutes, Sookie and Lumbergh are being chased through the desert by a bunch of sepia-toned orcs.  The pair are forced to jump into a chasm because the creepy orc-fairies keep throwing lighting balls at them.  Am I getting older or is this dumb?

Yeah...my talents are being wasted.

Boom!!!  Sookie and Lumbergh are back in Bon Temps and the world is no longer sepia-toned.  Lumbergh is not long for the world because he has been eating glowy apples for, like, twenty years and apparently that means he has to die now.  Alright!  Lumbergh bequeaths his pocket watch to Jason and turns into dust.  Thus far, Milton and Lumbergh have been killed off on this show.  Somebody in the writers’ room has a vendetta against Office Space alumni.  Sookie makes her way home and discovers that she’s been missing for more than a year!

Sookie heads home to discover that, while she was missing, her house was sold to a suspicious company.  There is NO WAY that this plot point will come up again!  As soon as the sun sets, her dueling vampire suitors: Bill (the bad actor) and Eric (the good actor) show up at her front door.  Eventually the law shows up, in the form of Andy Bellefleur, to find out where Sookie’s been for a year.  At Bill’s urging, Sookie admits that she was away on “vampire business.”  My eyes are starting to glaze over. 

Meanwhile, we meet Lafayette on route to a witch P.T.A. meeting with his boyfriend Jesus.  Lafayette has always been one of the more entertaining characters and he continues to make this train wreck palatable.  The writers believe that having a homosexual character named Jesus is shocking enough that they don’t have to create anything interesting about said character.  Whoops.  As it turns out, Lafayette is some kind of super witch because every single character on this show is contractually bound to be something.  All the witches join hands and bring a parakeet back to life.  And now we know what ADDITIONAL supernatural creatures are going to be featured this year!  Hint: IT’S WITCHES!!!

Like this, if Darren had a mowhawk.

As things chug along, we meet Terry Bellefleur (the blonde cook), Arlene (the redheaded waitress), and their baby Mikey (the baby named Mikey).  Mikey is a few months old and is already decapitating Barbie dolls.  Things are looking good!  We also check in on Jessica (the vampire) and Hoyt (the non-vampire).  Jessica and Hoyt treat us to a scene that is destined to usurp Rocky for the best use of raw eggs and domestic tension since 1976.  We also learn that Sam Merlotte DID NOT kill his brother but, rather, shot him square in the leg.  It turns out that Sam is dealing with this guilt by drinking wine, stripping nekkid, and turning into a horse with a couple other shape-shifty types.  I’d like to exaggerate some of these plotlines but I no longer believe that to be necessary for the sake of comedy.  Yikes.

Gross.

Jason, who in the missing year became a cop or something, is still visiting his young charges in the meth hamlet of Hotshot.  While giving out some chunks of raw meat, Jason gets beaned in the head with a shovel and thrown into a freezer.  Okay.  Also, we are shocked to discover that Sookie’s house is now owned by Eric (the good actor) who has now decided that he owns her too.  Alright…

Initial Thoughts:

Yeah.  That wasn't very good, right?  We did meet Tara for a minute.  She’s living in New Orleans and she’s a lesbian kick-boxer now.  I didn't think it would be possible to NOT be interested in some half-naked, lesbian kick-boxers.  Hoo boy, this is gonna be a long season!  I will try my best to keep up with this show but I’ll let you know how long I can make it.  Boobies are helping a little, but…really?  I’ll meet you back here soon, Internuts!


P.S. - Also, Bill is King of the Vampires or something now.  I legitimately forgot about that...

Chris learns about Andrew Jackson (and some other guys).

Hello, everybody!  As you’ve probably noticed, I am adopting a more laid-back summer schedule for the blog.  I needz to get my sun on!  These thighs don’t bake to a golden brown by accident, people!  I’ll probably write one post per week.  Maybe two.  Maybe three.  I don’t know.  I’m also toying with the idea of doing a brief, weekly True Blood recap – maybe some more live blogging – so let me know if you’d be interested. Anyhooooooo…let’s see what we have in store today.  Why, it’s…

A Pile of Presidents!

I started this feature with the intention of writing about one American President every few weeks.  Well, I ran into a bit of a snag…some of those guys are really boring.  Even my patented mix of Wikipedia facts and outright lies (see: Wikipedia facts) cannot make these people interesting.  So, I’m going to breeze through a bunch of the boring Presidents so we can get to someone a little more entertaining.  Let’s do this quick, like ripping off an informative Band-Aid!

James Madison!

Known For:  Writing the Constitution and the Bill of Rights…not too shabby.

Fun Fact:  During the War of 1812, Madison had to flee the White House before the British set it on fire.  

Outright Lie:  James Madison actually burned down the White House by smoking a joint in bed.

Did He Marry a Widow?  Yup.

Did He Own Slaves?   Yup.

Was He a Werewolf?  Nope.

James Monroe!

Known For:  Reducing partisan squabbling by ignoring party lines.

Fun Fact:  Monroe is the last American President considered to be a Founding Father.

Outright Lie:  As a boy, James Monroe bound his feet like a geisha and would subsequently tip over all the time while in office.

Did He Marry a Widow?  Nope.

Did He Own Slaves?  Yup.

Was He a Werewolf?   Yup.  Monroe ran under the seldom seen Lycanthrope Party.

John Quincy Adams!

Known For:  His shitty, shitty Presidency.

Fun Fact:  Adams was elected to the House of Representatives after his term as President (weird!) and was an outspoken opponent of slavery.

Outright Lie:  Every day of his Presidency, John Quincy Adams would strip nude and sun himself on the roof of the White House like an iguana.

Did He Marry a Widow?  Nope.

Did He Own Slaves?  Nope!

Was He a Werewolf?  Nope…but he was extremely averse to being shot with silver bullets.

Andrew Jackson!!!

Andrew "Mo-Effing" Jackson.

Now we’re talking!  Andrew Jackson was awesome.  So awesome, in fact, that I’m not even going to make up entertaining lies about him!  Everything that follows in the absolute truth.  Andrew Jackson was born in 1767 in parts unknown.  At the age of thirteen, Jackson joined a militia to fight in the Revolutionary War.  In 1779, Jackson was taken prisoner by the British.  Jackson refused to shine the boots of a British officer and the officer stabbed him in the neck with a sword.  Andrew Jackson was simply too badass to die so he bottled his seething anger to use later in life.  Luckily, Jackson wouldn't have to wait long before opening that particular can of whoopass. 

Jackson quickly rose through the ranks following the Revolutionary War and was leading the Tennessee militia when the War of 1812 broke out.  Jackson’s troops considered him tough but fair and gave him the nickname “Old Hickory” because that is an awesome nickname.  Despite being considerably outnumbered, Jackson led his men to a decisive victory at the Battle of New Orleans.  How decisive, you ask?  The British suffered 2,037 casualties and the Americans suffered 71.  That is, like, super decisive.  Jackson went on to pretty much singlehandedly take Florida from the Spanish during the First Seminole War.  His nickname during that war was “Sharp Knife.”  Seriously.

Oooh, I almost forgot!  In 1806, Jackson got into a dispute with Charles Dickinson over the results of a horse race.  The animosity worsened and, on May 30^th, the two men met for a duel.  Dickinson was awarded the first shot.  He walked eight paces from Jackson, turned, and shot Jackson square in the chest.  Andrew Jackson DIDN’T EVEN FLINCH.  Dickinson was understandably freaked out by this and started to run away.  Jackson snarled at him to honor their agreement and proceeded to kill Dickinson with a single shot.  Andrew Jackson took a musket ball to the lung, then MURDERED A MAN because he was salty about a horse race.

Boom goes the dynamite.

After winning two wars (and shooting a guy just for funsies) Jackson decided to become the President so, in 1828, he invented the Democratic Party and did just that.  During the election, Jackson’s opponents kept calling him a “jackass” so he made it the symbol of the Democratic Party.  The political rhetoric got even more heated when John Quincy Adams accused Jackson’s wife, Rachel, of bigamy.  Rachel died suddenly before the inauguration and Jackson never forgave Adams’ dirty tactics.  Andrew Jackson built a tomb for his wife in her favorite flower garden and hung her portrait at the foot of his bed so he could see her face before he fell asleep.  Doesn’t this sound like the beginning of Braveheart? 

Jackson was still reeling from the death of his wife so he threw a party to console himself.  Jackson invited whoever was in town to his inaugural ball at the White House.  Throngs of poor people flooded the White House and the party became so crowded and rowdy that it had to be moved to the lawn so people would stop breaking stuff.  Jackson’s first term passed without incident and he was easily reelected in 1832.  In 1835, Jackson paid off the entirety of the national debt, probably because he was mad at it.  While in office, Jackson was the target of the first assassination attempt in the history of the American Presidency.  Richard Lawrence, a disgruntled Englishman, jumped in front of Jackson and fired two pistols at the President.  Both guns misfired.  Jackson was so enraged by this assassination attempt that he beat the hell out of the would-be-assassin with his cane and had to be restrained so he wouldn’t kill Lawrence.

So far, it seems pretty clear that Andrew Jackson was the best President ever but not so fast, reader!  Andrew Jackson isn’t as perfect as he seems!!!  Jackson’s administration was responsible for some utterly deplorable treatment of Native Americans.  Jackson offered the Native Americans terms for their relocation but the terms were not exactly “ideal.”  By that I mean that Jackson’s administration REALLY fucked over the Native Americans.  Although the Trail of Tears happened under the watch of Jackson’s successor, the seeds were planted by Old Hickory himself.

Jackson retired from public office and died on June 8^th, 1845.  He survived three wars, thirteen duels, and two terms in office.  Despite his shameful treatment of Native Americans, Jackson was a living legend and the public only revered him more after his death.  His image has been immortalized on postage stamps and a bunch of money.  We know him best from the $20 bill but he’s also appeared on the $5, $10, $50 and $10,000 bills in the past.  Yeah, there was a straight-up murderer on the $10,000 bill for a while.  Alright, friends, that’s all for now.  Have a lovely weekend and I’ll see you back here soon!

Chris watches American Idol...LIVE!

Welcome, friends!  I have a very special installment for you this evening.  Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, this blog is about to go LIVE!  Not quite yet, though.  I am writing this sentence from the distant past of EARLIER TODAY!  Were we ever so young?  I hope you’re well-hydrated and have chosen your safe word because we are about to embark on a two hour journey into product placement and modern country songs.  THIS IS…

AMERICAN IDOL!

Lookin' good!

Before we start down the treacherous road of live blogging, I’d like to give a brief overview of my tumultuous relationship with American Idol.  As a moderately successful musician and a noted songbird, I have a vested interest in the portrayal of music in popular culture.  Does that mean that I’m the voice of my generation?  Probably...I don’t believe in labels, man.  I appreciate Idol as an outlet for talented kids but there is a fatal flaw in the show’s formula.  The American people, as a whole, are dumb.  I’ve been watching this season of Idol and I’ve seen a lot of interesting, original performers get the boot.  So, what did you leave us with, America?  Two boring teenagers singing contemporary country (the worst kind of country).

Ugh.

One last bit of business before we find ourselves waist-deep in Seacrest.  I’ve been hesitant to tackle American Idol this year because that job is already being magnificently handled by Paul F. Tompkins over at Vulture.  As I've mentioned before, Mr. F. Tompkins has had a major influence on my writing and his weekly Idol recaps have been brilliant.  Therefore, it is with deep regret that I must live blog the American Idol finale, knowing full well that my actions will eventually lead to my fighting Paul F. Tompkins on a mountaintop.  There can be only one!  Alright, I've insulted two wholesome teenagers, the entire population of America, and threatened the very life of one of my favorite entertainers.  I think it’s time to get this show on the road!  I am climbing into my DeLorean and I'll join you in...

5

4

3

2

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!

7:55 Eastern Standard Time

Hello, Internuts!  WE ARE LIVE!  It's like we're watching this together, you and I.  Would you like anything from the fridge?  Fresca?  I'll be writing as fast as I can so you should be able to view new content every few minutes.  You'll have to keep refreshing the page but I trust you can handle it. You are a grown-up!  I won't have much time to edit so please forgive any spelling errors that make it in.  Before the show begins, here are my predictions: Scotty will win.  J.Lo will wear too much makeup.  There will be MANY uncomfortable group songs.  Let's see how I do!

8:00 EST

And we're off!!!  We're treated to a clip package that counts the number of contestants down to 2.  Scotty and Lauren!  Seacrest looks resplendent in his tux and he reminds us that we're watching the finale.  Apparently, there were 122 million votes cast last night.  Ryan asks the crowd where their allegiance lies and the crowd responds with angry yelling.  We meet our judges.  Steven Tyler is dressed like America's spinster aunt.  The Top 13 sing "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga.  I don't like it.  American Idol has to have a lot of money to throw around.  How does this still look like a parent's camcorder footage from a high school musical?  Commercial!

8:10 EST

Seacrest tells me that James will be performing with Judas Priest.  James is dressed like it's biker night on Fire Island.  That's not a dig at the gay community...it is decidedly a dig at James.  James and the boys throat-sing their way through a medley of JP songs.  I'm embarrassed for everyone involved here.  We now get a clip package of Randy Jackson saying "What show is this" and "In it to win it" for like 2 minutes.  Now, Jacob and Gladys Knight and another guy sing a gospel song.  It's okay.  I guess they're raising money for the tornado victims.  That makes it a little better.  James didn't mention the tornado victims.  He and Judas Priest must love natural disasters.  Commercial!


8:25 EST
Beardy Hobbit and Jack Black welcome us back from the break by singing "Fat Bottom Girls."  I like this!  Why can't this be the end of the show?  There is scat singing and girls riding bikes!  Seacrest is waiting for the ladies to come to the stage for their number.  He stalls a little.  Good job, Seacrest!  The ladies sing "Single Ladies" and possibly some other Beyonce songs and I am immediately reminded why most of these girls were forcibly removed from the competition.  Oh dear.  Now, I like looking at ladies' legs but it looks like these girls were coated in Pam cooking spray and it's weird.  This is weird.  Haley, who was voted off before the finale, is still doing a great job and it I am still mad at America for kicking her off.  Oh shit, here comes Beyonce!  I think Beyonce has an industrial fan pointed at her 24 hours a day.  Beyonce brought her own dancers because she has no faith whatsoever in the contestants.  Everybody hugs...COMMERCIAL!


8:39 EST
It's time for Steven Tyler's clip package!  Steven talks a bunch of gibberish and hits on a bunch of 15 year old girls.  Steven gets a standing ovation.  Good for you, Steve!  Now Haley is gonna sing a jazz tune with Tony Bennett.  Tony's 84 and he's still got it.  He and Haley do a little dance.  It's cute.  This is cute.  Now it's Jennifer Lopez's turn to look back at her life.  All the young male contestants remind J.Lo that even she cannot escape the slow decay of age.  Now it's time for TLC featuring Lil Jon and some other people!  My girlfriend points out that it's really just TC since the L passed away.  This is all in very good taste!  Next, Scotty and Tim McGraw  sing an uplifting country song about cancer.  Fun?  Is this the only song in history to combine terminal illness and "a bull named Fu Manchu?"  I'm really asking.  I will not be researching this.  Commercial!


8:59 EST
Remember when the show was fun and we all laughed guiltily at the terrible singers and (if we're being honest) seriously troubled human beings?  Well, Idol remembers too and they have another clip package.  Now, it's time for Marc Anthony (J.Lo's Tom Arnold) to sing a song.  This is not so great.  Ooooohhh, now Jennifer Lopez is on the stage to perform the marital act of love.  J.Lo doesn't even get a mic.  She just shakes her ass like the Fly Girl that she has always been.  Clip package time!  God always answers my prayers but sometimes the answer is "no."  A bunch of the guys let us know that getting kicked off the show sucks.  The video devolves into "comedy" and we all have a good laugh.  Teenage reality show contestants are known for their impeccable comic timing!  The guys sing a medley of completely unrelated songs.  Hey, Tom Jones is there!  Is he the most famous Welshman in the world?  Again, I will not be looking into this further so you're on your own.  Anthony Hopkins?  Is he Welsh?  No matter!  Commercial!!!


9:19 EST
Yup, it's a Ford music video.  Ford donates $20 per test drive to each of the finalists' schools.  Christ in a rickshaw, Ford...can't you just donate some money?  Scotty and Lauren give Ford Focuses (Focusi?) to their favorite teachers.  For this act of charity, Scotty and Lauren get to pick the Ford vehicle of their choice.  See, it pays to be generous!  Lady Gaga shows up dressed like the blue lady from The 5th Element and sings from on top of a mountain like Simba.  Oops, her clothes fell off.  Now there's a dude up there and they mime at least 7 sex positions by my count.  Remember, young girls, this is how you become a famous singer!  COMMERCIAL!


9:31 EST
Lauren's singing a Carrie Underwood song.  Is Carrie Underwood going to show up?  Yes.  There she is.  Carrie Underwood also has creepily shiny legs.  What is happening to legs?  I think I'll actually research this phenomenon...you know...for science.  Clip package time!  The other contestants say a bunch of nice things about Scotty and Lauren.  Guess what?  Beyonce's back to sing her "favorite song."  It's called "1 + 1" and it seems to be about basic arithmetic and boning.  Why does Beyonce get to sing 2 songs?  Is it because 1 + 1 = 2?  CONSPIRACY!  COMMERCIAL!


9:45 EST
Uh oh.  Spiderman musical.  Spiderman swings around for a minute on clearly visible wires and then Bono sings a song about it.  I'm still waiting for the big reveal that the Spiderman musical is an elaborate Andy Kaufman-esque joke.  J.Lo almost kisses Spiderman but his mask gets caught.  Oh well.  At least nobody got hurt.  Commercial!


9:54 EST
Home stretch!!!  Will there be another commercial in the last 6 minutes?  I bet you know the answer to that.  Steven Tyler sings "Dream On" and he sounds pretty damn good for an 80 year old scarecrow.  I love this song.  Am I old too?  Probably.  Commercial!!!  Asked and answered.


10:01 EST
And we're officially running long.  Seacrest requests the envelope containing the name of the winner.  The lights are dimmed.  And...Scotty wins!  I don't care.  THIS IS YOUR FAULT, AMERICA.  Lauren takes it pretty well.  Scotty thanks Lauren and JC, his Lord and Savior.  Scotty walks down to hug his family and he gets choked up.  This is actually kinda nice.  I'm sure Scotty is a nice kid and he seems genuinely overwhelmed.  Good for you, Scotty.  I'm still not going to buy your record though...


Well, we did it.  Two hours later we've seen some good things, some bad things, and a Spiderman.  Thanks for watching with me, Internuts!  I'll have something new for you after the holiday!  Good night!!!

Chris watches 16 and Pregnant.

Hello again, Internuts!  It’s so nice to be back!  I apologize for my prolonged absence but, as most of you know, I have been away for the last week and a half.  Let me explain.  Around this time every year I travel to the Cayman Islands to indulge my greatest vice…pony fighting.  For the uninitiated, pony fighting is very similar to dog fighting except that the ponies mostly just nuzzle each other and eat grains before adorably falling asleep.  Very little money changes hands.  But, now I’m home and I’m feeling rested enough to present you with…

 16 and Pregnant!

Left behind.

As any credible scientist will tell you, the Rapture is taking place this Saturday.  About time!  Traffic has been a nightmare!  My last six Rapture parties have been a complete bust.  What am I going to do with all those Kirk Cameron piñatas?  If the Rapture does go down I sort of hope I’m left behind to see how confused everybody from the Westboro Baptist Church will be when they aren’t sucked up to Heaven.  Talk about having egg on your face!  But seriously, those people are fucking terrible.  Anyhow (being faced with the end of the world and all) the only thing I wanted to do was watch, notate, and review MTV’s 16 and Pregnant.  Take that, last precious minutes with loved ones!

Hi Danielle!

Full disclosure: I’ve seen 16 and Pregnant a few times before.  It is equal parts cautionary tale and broad comedy.  Today’s episode centers on Danielle.  Hi Danielle!  MTV kindly gives me a crash course on Danielle’s life.  She used to be a good student but got mixed up with the wrong crowd in her freshman year of high school.  She started to fight with her mom (who is 32…I’ll let you do that math) and moved out of the house.  She met her boyfriend Jamie and was pregnant within 4 months.  Apparently, the “No Protection Whatsoever Plan” is not ironclad.  Danielle moved back home with her mom and the show finally begins.  Thanks to MTV’s editing practices, I learned all that back-story in 9 seconds.

Our narrative begins while Danielle is 33 weeks pregnant.  Thanks to my desktop calculator, I can tell you that 33 weeks is about 8 months.  MATH IN ACTION!  Danielle and Jamie are kicking back and discussing their initial attraction.  Here’s a taste of the witty repartee…

Jamie

You understood, like, what I was talking about and I could have a actual conversation with you without you saying something that had nothing to do with what we was talking about.

Danielle

We had good convo…

No kidding, good convo!  It’s like Oscar Wilde shooting the breeze with another Oscar Wilde!  I haven’t been sixteen for about 11 years and it is discomforting to learn how dumb I probably was.  We jump a few weeks ahead and Danielle’s mom is advising that the young couple will need at least $300 a month for the baby.  Jamie works at McDonalds and makes $300 every two weeks.  I am not a wealthy man by any means but $600 a month seems ridiculously low.  They should really have a tip jar at McDonalds.  These children have children to feed!  Danielle and Jamie sit on a swing set and try to work out a budget.  The pair realize that babies cost money (and I’m pretty sure that $300 is really lowballing it) and start to fight about their finances.  I start to get the feeling that I’m watching a movie but I already know the twist ending.

Delicious?

We’re now at week 38.  Danielle is craving chalk and nail polish remover.  I’ve heard about pickles and ice cream.  Is this a thing?  Moms: please send me an email if you ever craved chalk or nail polish remover during your pregnancy.  Danielle starts to get, what she describes as, lightning bolt pains in her lady parts.  Does that mean that she will have to defeat Voldemort?  No.  She’s having contractions!  Danielle’s mom drives her to the hospital and the doctor recommends inducing labor.  It’s Showtime!

Before we delve into the miracle of childbirth, I’d like to take a moment to talk about the commercials on MTV.  I understand that advertisers want to cater to their target demographic but this is ridiculous.  16 and Pregnant is an hour long and there have been just 2 commercials playing on a continuous loop.  The first commercial is for Taco Bell.  The second commercial is for Proactiv Skin Care Solutions.  At first, I was delighted by this ironic pairing but as the hour went by I became more and more paranoid.  This has to be some kind of back room deal, right?  We’re through the looking glass here, people…

Alright, enough talk about overstuffed tacos...let’s talk childbirth.  I’m ashamed of myself!  Danielle is given an IV to help speed up her contractions.  I’m not going to lie.  Having a baby looks awful.  It’s often described as “pushing a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon.”  I think a far more apt description is “pushing a human person out of a vagina.”  I’m not sure how all the produce got involved.  No matter how you look at it, Danielle is in a LOT of pain.  She’s given an epidural and the baby stops breathing.  COMMERCIAL BREAK.  Are you kidding me, MTV?!?  It’s like they know I’m not paying attention so they purposefully endanger a newborn.  AND WE’RE BACK!  As expected, Jamie Jr. has been born and is in perfect health.  Whew.

YES, BABIES ARE ADORABLE!!!

Danielle and Jamie get a crash course in diaper changing from a nurse and are released into the world to care for another human being.  Danielle stays with her mom for a week but decides to move in with Jamie.  Jamie who works at McDonalds.  But wait!  Apparently, Jamie missed too many shifts leading up to the birth so he got fired.  Fired from McDonalds.  So, now there is no household income.  After a few weeks, Danielle finds a free daycare to leave the baby at so she can do her homework and Jamie can go to work with his dad.  Jamie is upset by the idea of putting their newborn baby in daycare.  The new parents fight and Jamie storms off for good (I think).  Danielle sensibly moves back in with her mother and the show is over.  This is depressing!

Final Thoughts:

Lies.

If you’re a teenager and you’re having unprotected sex…you are dumb.  Whether you believe in abstinence or birth control, try to avoid having a baby when you’re 16.  Reality is nowhere near as quirky and whimsical as Juno.  Well, that’s all for today, my friends.  It’s good to be back and I’ll have some new posts for you next week.  Have a fantastic weekend!

Chris eats his vegetables.

Hey, everybody!  I trust that you’re well.  We find ourselves at a significant moment in history.  Earlier this evening, I consumed the last weird food product from my initial trip to Whole Foods.  Thus far, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with these foodstuffs.  Some were surprisingly good (rambutan, meatless jerky) and some were not so good (fuck you, Limburger cheese).  Since I’ve exhausted my original supply, I am relying on YOU to give me some good suggestions for future taste tests.  Feel free to leave a comment below or e-mail me at BarnabyHurdle@gmail.com.  But, enough of this jibber-jabber!  It’s time to meet the food du jour…

Vegetable Tempuraw!

I'm 60% sure that these are not psychedelic mushrooms.

I have a confession to make.  I’ve got no beef with vegetables.  I chose this snack based entirely on the (disgusting) appearance.  Judging by looks alone, Vegetable Tempuraw consists of mummified veggies coated in peanut butter and boogers.  Vegetable Tempuraw is made by Awesome Foods™, headquartered right down the road from me in Bridgeport, PA.  As you may have guessed by the clever name, Awesome Foods™ specializes in raw foods (TempuRAW…get it?).  The creators of Awesome Foods™ also own a raw/organic food store in the suburbs of Philadelphia called Nature’s Harvest.  This is not to be confused with Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.  Dear God, I hope that the Mom and Pop organic food store and the sperm cookbook get each other’s mail once in a while!   FARCICAL!!!  It’d be like Frasier but with marginally more semen.

Do NOT eat that flan.

That’s enough sperm-talk for now.  Let’s learn a little about raw foods!  Raw foodism (yup, it’s a thing) was created by Swiss doctor, Maximilian Bircher-Benner, in 1897.  That’s right, Californians, you didn’t come up with this!  Apparently, the good doctor discovered that eating a bunch of raw apples cured his jaundice.  Dr. Max, who also invented muesli, opened a sanatorium in Zurich which has been cramming apples into people ever since.  Since raw food isn't cooked it still contains bacteria and micro-organisms.  Usually, eating bacteria-riddled food is avoided but raw food advocates believe that consumption of the correct types of bacteria can be beneficial.  Specifically lusted after is a kind of bacteria called “gut flora.”  You know, this stuff…

I'm going to need Dustin Hoffman, a rubber suit, and a monkey...

I should really start researching the stuff I eat before I eat it.  Lesson learned.  Here’s what I’m getting into with my bag of Vegetable Tempuraw:

Yams, Zucchini, Daikon, Bell Peppers, Onions, Snow Peas, Cashews, Filtered Water, Fresh Lemon Juice, Granulated Onion, Dill, Parsley, Himalayan Salt, Black Pepper.

That doesn’t sound too bad!  Being a curious kitten, I took it upon myself to look up Himalayan Salt.  Wikipedia tells me that Himalayan Salt is salt mined in the Himalayas.  The Awesome Foods™ website tells me: “We use only Himalayan salt in our products, since it is free of pollutants often found in sea salt and table salt. Himalayan salt contains 84 minerals essential to life, since it was formed over 250 million years and remains in its original pristine state. It is mined by hand from a protected area of the Himalayan Mountains. This natural unprocessed salt contains a highly crystalline structure, which allows nutrients to be absorbed at the cellular level, purifying the body physically and bio-energetically.”  You say potato; I say a bunch of nonsense…

Why?

Time for the main event!  Upon cracking open my bag I’m greeted with a familiar smell.  The veggies give off a smell very similar to potato chips.  I’m guessing it’s just the smell of salt.  Forgive me…Himalayan Salt.  All the vegetables are desiccated and covered in a strange beige paste.  Things are not looking great.  I pick out a mummified piece of zucchini and pop it into my mouth.  Not bad.  Not bad at all!  I work my way through the various vegetables and they all taste about the same.  The onion, dill and salt give everything a fairly homogeneous flavor.  The strangest thing about the Tempuraw is the texture.  All of the veggies are sliced thinly and are dried until extremely fragile.  The snow peas, in particular, are like chewing on a fine piece of balsa wood.  Much like the meatless jerky, Vegetable Tempuraw is pretty tasty but I doubt I’d go out of my way to find some more of it.  Alright, Internuts, that’s all for this week.  Make sure to send me some suggestions for more strange foods and I will take them under advisement before my next shopping spree.  Have a great weekend, gang, and I’ll see you back here real soon!