Hello, noble citizens! I apologize for the tardiness of today’s post but music (that fickle temptress) has had a monopoly on my time for the last few days. Ever since my recent time in the recording studio, I’ve been grappling with a Lohanian level of exhaustion. No matter! You didn’t stop by to hear me ramble on about my fascinating life or my many sexy adventures. You’re here to find out which questionable food I’ll be eating today. Well, wait no more! Today’s (quick) entry is…
No, I didn’t sneeze while I was typing! Rambutan is, against all odds, an actual thing! Rambutan, or Nephelium lappaceum if you want to be a dick about it, is a fruit indigenous to Southeast Asia. As the can informs me, rambutan means “hairy” in Malaysian. How many delicious foods can you think of with the word “hairy” in the product description? Yeah. Me too.
Rambutan is a tree-born fruit that can be found in Malaysia, Thailand, Sri Lanka, Vietnam, and Borneo. The fruit grows in bunches and, when ripe, is bright red in color. You know, like a terrifying warning! It’s the rind of the rambutan that gives the fruit its hirsute moniker. The rind of the fruit is a cross between a sea urchin, a Koosh ball, and a Lovecraftian nightmare. Before consumption, the rind must be removed to reveal the disturbing white morsel within. Next, a seed must be removed from the center of the translucent flesh. Have I mentioned that the seed is poisonous? Forgive me. The seed is totally poisonous!
Luckily for me, the vittles in my can had been skinned and the poisonous seeds removed (probably). Upon popping the lid, I was greeted with the sight of a dozen pallid orbs floating in murky syrup. Have you ever wondered, in the darkest recesses of your soul, what a tin can full of testicles might look like? Well, wonder no more!
After a quick sniff, the rambutan smells exactly like a fruit cup. I’m chalking this up to the light syrup. I poured the contents of the can into a bowl and had yet another, “Why the hell am I doing this?” moment. Despite the thoroughly disgusting appearance of the fruit, the pleasant aroma was enough to convince me to take a bite. I chose the smallest chunk, pierced it with my fork and put it in my mouth.
Not too bad! Sort of weird, but not too bad! Rambutan is a surprisingly dense fruit. The texture is a cross between a grape and a tortellini. The taste is surprisingly starchy. I asked my open-minded roommates, Marc and Gabby, to give it a try and they both thought the rambutan tasted quite a bit like pasta. Imagine soaking a matzah ball in warm fruit juice for 2 weeks. That’s about the gist of it.