Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 4.5 - Nothing But Commercials!!!

Hello, friends!  2011 is just about wrapped up and 2012 is laid out before us like a blank page.  As we all know, in 2012 Cthulhu will emerge from the bowels of the Earth to bring about the end of days in a cataclysm of oily water and echoless screams.  SO IT HAS BEEN FORETOLD BY CUSACK AND SO IT SHALL COME TO PASS!  But let’s not dwell on that.  It’s a New Year so let’s party!  A few of you have been asking to hear all the fake commercials from the show compiled into one convenient episode.  Well, your benevolent Podcast King has heard your woeful cries and he has taken pity on you.  Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

On a serious note, my little show has been growing in leaps and bounds since September and it’s all because of you nice people.  What began as a sloppy, amateurish operation has blossomed into a sloppy, amateurish operation that people actually listen to.  Thank you so much for doing that, by the way.  If you enjoy the show, please tell a friend about it or include a link on Facebook or Twitter.  Alrighty, Internuts, enjoy the commercials and we’ll meet again for Episode 5!  Happy New Year!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 4 - A Dolphin Colon: There Will Be Rape.

Hello, gang!  Whether you celebrate a religious-style holiday or you just love pumping your hard-earned money into our ruined economy, WE HAVE GOT A PODCAST FOR YOU!  Join Thelma Weinstein and I as we host an eclectic get-together in our rustic Vermont cabin.  Perhaps you’ll meet Jim Conrad, the creative force behind the Extra Nuts podcast on this very website!  Maybe you’ll share some eggnog with comedian and writer, Glen Tickle!  Perchance we will shamelessly plug Glen’s websites: and  BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!!  We will also be joined by The Ghost of Christmas Past and a mall Santa named Sebastian as we explore the true meaning of Christmas...Jurassic Park sex play.  Check back in on New Year’s Eve for a super-extra-special edition of the podcast and we’ll meet again in 2012.  Happy Holidays, Internuts!!!

Talking points include: SNL vs. S&M, Sid the Destroyer explosion holes, quiet dirty Hitler, “Plugatory”, baby slingshots, the Higgs boson playground particle, boners in watch pockets, Scrooging the Pooch, Derek Jeter’s basket of beg buds, pyramid-shaped girls, double caps, out of context Jurassic Park quotes, Reese’s Christ, dog juice, and the world’s worst podcast segment (B)Accent to the Future.

As always, a very special thank you is owed to Kevin MacLeod (@kmacleod on Twitter) for composing all the music used on The Internuts Podcast.  If your latest project could use some music but you don’t want to be sued by Lars Ulrich, visit for fantastic, royalty-free compositions.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 3.5 - Extra Nuts!

Hey gang!  Well, it's crunch time and like everyone else, I am running around like a madman trying to finish my Christmas shopping.  Luckily, friend of the podcast (and future guest?!?) Jim Conrad was kind enough to create another scrumptious sound treat for your holiday enjoyment.   Please enjoy some more of Jim's astounding editing trickery and meet us back here next week for the Internuts Podcast Holiday Spectacular!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 3 - The Bedazzled Scimitar of a Dandy Mohel.

Hello everyone!  Well, the holiday season is upon us.  Even the crew here at Internuts H.Q. is not immune.  This month’s episode is full of the lackadaisical charm that you’d expect after a heavy dose of tryptophan and red wine.  Join Philip Darrenkamp, Ken Swanson, and I as we explore the true meaning of Thanksgiving.  As always, you can subscribe to the podcast by following a link like this and following some simple instructions.  It’s easy, dummy!  Have a fantastic Turkey Day, Internuts, and we’ll see you back here in December!

Talking points include: Tale Spin, brown rice vs. racism, Guinness in the summer, house fires, Edgar Winter suits, metric Troy Aikman, Old Pet Reggie, quivering cranberry sauce, the art of the "Ginelli," the pending male folder, sandwiches on pedestals, dolphin names and the podcast sensation...Accent of a Woman. 

P.S. - I’d like to offer a special thank you to Kevin MacLeod (@kmacleod on Twitter) for composing all the fantastic music used on The Internuts Podcast.  Thanks to Kevin’s generosity I get to use amazing music in every episode without paying one nickel for royalties.  Please, please, please check him out at

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 2.5 - Extra Nuts!

Hello again, Dear Listener!  We meet again.  It is my extreme pleasure to provide you with another audio gem by friend of the podcast (and friend in general) Jim Conrad.  Jim has kindly agreed to slice and dice each episode into a tasty aural treat for your ravenous ear mouth.  Please take a listen to Jim's masterful work and join us back here for episode 3 in a week or two!  As always, you can download or subscribe to the podcast by following any of the handy links scattered this one!


Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 2: The Great Pumpkin and His Raccoon Army.

Hello folks!  Well, you've made it to October.  Congratulations!  To celebrate, why don't you kick up your feet and listen to Episode 2 of The Internuts Podcast?  I'm joined again by Thelma Weinstein and Karl Whitman as well as Karl's common law wife, Myrtle Mulligan.  If you haven't already, feel free to follow this link and subscribe to the podcast via iTunes.  All the cool kids are doing it!  

Talking points include: reverse dynamite, Satchmo, Aggro Crag vs. Astroglide vs. Seal's face, Kirk Cameron, JGL, juice fasts, Matt Damon as a kangaroo, cursing on TV, Occupy Wall St., cat intimidation, The Curse of Chuck Mangione, Craigslist personals, Asian women at Panera Bread, "get the dress out of me," free pantie coupons, and the world's most popular podcast segment...Accent of a Woman.

As always, The Internuts Podcast uses some dirty words so please listen carefully.  You've been warned.  Enjoy and we'll see you back here in November!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Chris shows you people with turtles drawn on their faces.

Hey everybody! Sorry for the delay in posting.  Full disclosure: I'm moving to a new apartment at the end of the month and I haven't had a spare minute to write.  I am, however, still planning to release a new episode of The Internuts Podcast this Friday.  In the meantime, please enjoy this website that turns noses into Ninja Turtles.  Consider it a peace offering!  Enjoy and check back in on Friday for a new podcast!

I don't know why I love this so much.  Alright, Internuts, seeya on Friday!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 1.5 - Extra Nuts!

Hello again!  Since we're producing a monthly podcast there will be plenty of times when an audio gem surfaces in between episodes.  To provide an outlet for these sonic masterpieces we have created "Extra Nuts!"

Friend of the podcast (and friend in general) Jim Conrad was nice enough to create a "best of" promo for us.  It took him 2 minutes to do what I did in 1 hour.  Please take a listen and we'll be back in October with Episode 2.


Chris learns about Martin Van Buren and William Henry Harrison.

Hey, Internuts!  I’d like to thank everyone who has listened to the podcast already.  It took quite a while to put together and it’s very nice to hear that my little in vitro audio baby is being warmly received.  If you haven’t listened yet…well, please do so.  You can also find us on iTunes, if that’s your bag.  Just click on a link, like this, and scroll down until you see “Subscribe with iTunes.”  It’s just that easy!  And, as I’m writing this post it happens to be my birthday!  If you’d like to get me a present please check out the ads on the right side of the page and click on them if you see something you like.  Every click throws a few nickels my way and if I get enough I’ll go out and buy another load of disgusting food to write about.  Self-sustaining!  Alright, enough deplorable shilling for now!  It’s been far too long since we got to know the American Presidents, so please say hello to…

Martin Van Buren & William Henry Harrison!

Look at these handsome devils!

I’d like to focus on William Henry Harrison today but I can’t.  At least, not yet.  Many of you know that I minored in Presidential History at The University of Phoenix (online).  U of P On L taught me many valuable lessons.  “Courses are not transferable,” for example.  But the lesson that I took to heart was, “Don’t take shortcuts.”  I took this advice seriously and I’ve spent many an hour in standstill traffic as a result.  Today, I’ll apply that nugget of wisdom to my blogging about the Presidents.  Sure, William Henry Harrison will be amazing to write about but he’s not the 8th U.S. President.  Stupid Martin Van Buren is!  If I want to continue filling these pages with wildly inaccurate information (and I DO!), we’ll have to eat the Brussel sprouts that are Martin Van Buren before we can enjoy the chocolate cake that is William Henry Harrison.  So, let’s eat our vegetables!

Stop sleeping with your cousins, Presidents!
Martin Van Buren was born 1782, the son of a Dutch tavern keeper and farmer.  Van Buren is the only U.S. President to speak English as a second language.  But not so fast, Michele Bachmann!  Marty was also the first President to be born an American citizen!  In your FACE!!!  Martin married his childhood sweetheart (awww!) and cousin (gross), Hannah Hoes in 1807.  There’s a lot of infant mortality among the children of our earliest Presidents.  This could be blamed on inferior medical practices OR it could be all the cousin humping that produced the wrong-faced monster babies of our founding fathers.

Van Buren began his political career at the age of 17.  He became well known for forging strong political connections, gaining him the nickname, “The Little Magician.”  He was also called “The Little Magician” because he was a dark sorcerer who stalked the forests of upstate New York, mutilating squirrels and casting spells on trees that he was suspicious of.   Thanks to Van Buren’s many political connections and well…magic…he quickly became a U.S. Senator for New York.  Martin became a vocal supporter of Andrew Jackson and soon enough he hitched his wagon to Jackson’s bloody, murderous star.  Jackson appointed his loyal friend Secretary of State and Van Buren was elected Vice President in 1832.

Martin Van Buren.
Martin was elected President in 1836 and things started going downhill.  Van Buren had used his evil magic to grant himself three wishes as a young man.  He wished for a little down and dirty cousin lovin’.  He wished for a solid gold spittoon.  And he wished to become President.  But Martin forgot to wish that the economy wouldn't completely fall apart on his watch.  So it did.  Van Buren’s Presidency was a mixed bag.  He grew to oppose slavery and took steps to steer the country away from it.  He also oversaw the forced relocation and murder of scores of Native Americans.  Also, he was an evil wizard.  Did I mention that?  Due mostly to the sagging economy, Van Buren failed to secure his party’s nomination for a second term and placed a powerful curse on the Presidency (a curse that would prove very fateful to Van Buren’s successor).  Martin Van Buren retired to Kinderhook, New York where he spent the remainder of his days.  He was killed at the age of 79 by Harry Potter.

William Henry Harrison was born in 1773 to an aristocratic family in Virginia.  William enlisted in the Army as soon as he could and quickly rose through the ranks to become a pivotal figure in the nation’s westward expansion.  The largest obstacles in the way of westward expansion were the people who already lived out west.  The Native Americans.  Harrison’s job was to be all, like, “Hey, get outta here, you guys.  This is our place now.”  Then the Native Americans were all, like, “Wait…what?”  Then Harrison was all, like, “Yeah, yo.  Pack up your shiznit and hit the bricks.”  But seriously, though, it was awful.

Harrison’s biggest claim to fame was the Battle of Tippecanoe, named for the Tippecanoe River where the battle took place.  Harrison repulsed the attacks of Indian leader, Tecumseh, and made his name as an unflappable leader of men.  Harrison also went on to serve as brigadier general during the War of 1812 (the other one with the British).  William leveraged his celebrity as a war hero to serve in both the House and the Senate before setting his sights on the Presidency.  Harrison easily defeated the unpopular Van Buren in 1840 and was super stoked to be the President for a long time.


The day of the inauguration was cold and wet but Harrison refused to wear a coat because he didn’t want to look like a pussy.  William proceeded to deliver a two hour inaugural address in the freezing cold, all the while confidant of the fact that he looked awesome without a coat on.  When he took office on March 4, Harrison was heard yelling from the Oval Office, “I’m going to live forever!  I am an invincible god!  Certainly, this pesky head cold will not define my legacy!”  What started as a common cold quickly led to pneumonia and septicemia.  30 days, 12 hours, and 30 minutes after becoming President, William Henry Harrison stopped being President (or anything for that matter) due to being dead.  Harrison served the shortest term of any U.S. President and he was also the first Prez to die in office. 

Okey dokey, Internuts!  Two more Presidents down, thirty five to go!  I’ll meet you back here next week!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Internuts Podcast! Episode 1 - The Saga Begins...

Well, hello there!  It's been a long time coming but tonight I'm very pleased to introduce you to The Internuts Podcast!!!!

The podcast will be a supplement to the Internuts blog that you've grown to love like your firstborn blonde child.  A new podcast will be released every month.  This month's episode features lengthy interviews with Karl Whitman (Attorney at Law and fencing enthusiast) and Thelma Weinstein (Semi-Professional Acupuncturist and my own lovely girlfriend).  We'll have a rotating panel of guests and will happily accept discussion topics if you have any to offer. Click on one of the highlighted links if you'd rather download the show than stream it.  If you do stream below, please give it a few seconds to load before playing.

Also, I generally keep the blog around a PG-13 rating (about one F Bomb per post) but the podcast will be mostly uncensored.  Please don't listen unless you're an adult (or an awesome child) who doesn't mind a little salty language.  

Alright, that's enough about a little listening for a change!  Please enjoy The Internuts Podcast and spread the word if you enjoy what you hear.  Okay, bye for now!

The Breakdown:
0.00.00 - 0.02.30     Introductions
0.02.31 - 0.19.22     Box Office Talk (and some other stuff from awhile ago)
0.19.23 - 0.22.09     Lou Templeton, Attorney (Commercial)
0.22.10 - 0.31.50     Remakes, reboots and sequels. (Boob tallies and Over/Unders)
0.31.51 - 0.34.23     Accent of a Woman (Karl Whitman)
0.34.24 - 0.36.16     Food King 1400 (Commercial)
0.36.14 - 0.38.14     Introductions and apologies
0.38.15 - 0.41.48     Recent Box Office Talk
0.41.49 - 0.48.30     Milestones (Birthdays and Deaths and Other Things)
0.48.31 - 0.51.29     Box Office Again...
0.51.30 - 0.55.49     The Emmy Awards!!!  A couple shows we know and a ton of shows we don't know!
0.55.50 - 0.58.25     The Vineyard (Commercial).
0.58.26 - 1.08.57     Random talk, games, and goodbyes.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Chris watches H8R.

Hey everybody!  Well, the summer officially ends next week and the weather is starting to behave accordingly.  After a summer that included a hurricane and an earthquake, I’m looking forward to a surprise-free autumn.  And nothing is more surprise-free than fall television programming!  Segue!  Around this time every year, networks throw a bunch of new pilots at the wall to see what sticks.  Sometimes they paint a masterpiece.  Most of the time they poop out a Jackson Pollack like today’s entry…


You guys, this one was tough on your old pal Chris.  I’ve done a lot in the name of unpaid, un-fact-checked journalism.  I’ve watched terrible television.  I’ve eaten terrible food.  I’ve listened to Rebecca Black.  Ladies and gentlemen, H8R is the unkindest cut of all.  Et tu, Slater?  I saw a commercial for this show a few weeks ago and I knew…I knew I had to watch it.  I also feared that the mere viewing of this show might crush my spirit and render me, for the rest of my days on earth, a cynic.  Let’s talk about H8R and why it might be the worst thing in the world!

Albert Clifford Slater
If you haven’t heard of H8R before (excellent work, by the way!) it has a very simple premise.  Mario Lopez (television’s A.C. Slater!) introduces D-List celebrities to the regular people who hate them.  That could be a good reality show!  Keep in mind, being a good reality show is like being the prettiest patient in a burn ward.  There’s potential for some mindless entertainment watching celebrities and their critics spar for an hour.  The problem with H8R is that the producers are firmly of the opinion that celebrities are right and the rest of America is so, so wrong.

In each episode, two celebs confront their vocal critics and try to win them over.  Our first pseudo-famous person is Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi from Jersey Shore.  A.C. Slater collects Snooki from her hotel room where we find her poured into a black dress with light-up heels on.  Relatable!  We are next introduced to Nick, Snooki’s “H8R” or “hater” if you’re not a goddamned idiot.  Snooki confronts Nick and asks him why he harbors such ill feelings toward her.  Nick expresses exactly why he dislikes her through a series of incredibly salient arguments.  For example:

1. Snooki is paid millions of dollars to portray a negative Italian-American stereotype on television.

2. Snooki isn’t even Italian.  She’s Chilean.  Like those miners!

3. Snooki cashed in further on her negative image by publishing a book (the pages of which are, no doubt, bound by vomit burps and venereal disease).

4. Snooki has a CHOICE about the way she is seen by the public.  If she stops acting like a drunken clown on TV everyone will stop treating her like one.

Role model!
Case closed, right?  Being a “reality star” means that you are theoretically playing yourself on television.  Therefore, if you behave like an ass on TV it is implicitly understood that you behave like an ass in real life.  Accepting a truckload of money to sully your good name means that you can’t have it both ways.  Either you give up the paychecks and try to live a life you can be proud of OR you keep acting like a buffoon all the way to the bank.  Nick spelled this out for Snooki who insisted that he hadn’t yet met the “real” her.  Again, trying to show America the “real you” doesn’t hold a lot of water when you do it ON ANOTHER REALITY SHOW!

America’s heartburn, Mario Lopez, forces Nick and Snooki to go on a play date to the grocery store.  The unlikely pair shops for ingredients to a meal that Snooki will be preparing for Nick’s large Italian family.  It’ll be like an episode of All in the Family but…you know…tense.  Snooki asks if a bottle of wine from 2009 has expired.  Way to rehab the old image, Snook!  The needle is wavering between "Savvy Businesswoman" and "Severe Learning Disability."  Snooki heads home to meet the family who, despite their obvious distaste with her, act like gracious human beings the way nice people do.  The producers take this as a sign that Snooki has charmed a divided nation and wrap up the segment.  Good news…we’re only halfway through this train wreck!

Onward and downward!  We next meet Jake Pavelka.  He was the bachelor on that one show…The Bachelor!  Jake is a handsome wood pile who cheated on his TV fiancĂ© and is an all-around douche canoe.  Jake’s hater is an opinionated young girl named Danielle.  Mario Lopez, for reasons known only to him, instructs Jake to behave like a total dick towards Danielle.  You know, to win her over!  While Danielle is relaxing next to a pool, Jake strips to his bathing suit and starts doing pushups.  He then starts hitting on Danielle who quickly informs him that she hates his guts.  Since he was given carte blanche by Mario Lopez, Jake then creepily tries to buy a drink for Danielle who is 20 YEARS OLD.   Ugh.  This show is unappealing on a molecular level.

Jake takes Danielle on a plane ride which she is thoroughly unimpressed by.  His next tactic is to take this poor young girl to The Bachelor mansion which Jake considers “near and dear” to his heart.  Danielle astutely asks why Jake doesn’t have any other sides to his personality.  When Danielle asks Jake for one of his best qualities he answers “morally, I’m great.”  Danielle observes that Jake is just trying to clean up his image and has only deepened her initial impressions of him.  Danielle is a little spitfire and I’m proud of her response to this onslaught of skeeviness on an almost parental level.  Her only foible is that she’s a 20-year-old Californian girl and, as such, uses the word “like” 62 times (I counted) during her brief amount of screen time.  Jake, after realizing that he will never convince Danielle of his non-douchiness sends her away and declares, “She does not get a rose.”  Fuck this show.  If it isn’t canceled after the pilot episode I am moving to Wyoming and stocking up on canned goods and crossbows. 

Well, that is more than enough of that, friends!  I am going to go take 3 showers and I’ll meet you back here next week!  Happy football season, boys and girls!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Chris goes gluten-free.

Hello dudes and dudettes!  Although I promised to have the Top Secret Internuts Project ready to go there are a couple scheduling issues that still need to be ironed out.   You’d think the Dalai Lama would have nothing but free time!  It looks like it’ll be ready for sampling in the next week or two barring a catastrophe.  In the meantime, I recently polled my Facebook friends about what I should write about this week.  The overwhelming response (2 votes!) was that I should taste test some gluten-free, milk-free, soy-free, all natural Chili Macaroni.  The runner up was a story about a perilous drive down a mountainside in Virginia but that will have to wait for another day.  Let’s dive right in and get a mouthful of…

Allergaroo Chili Mac!

I think the first thing that needs to be addressed is the Allergaroo mascot.  It’s an alligator.  “Alligator” shares a bunch of letters with “allergies.”   This should have been a slam dunk, marketing team!  So, why is the name of the company “Allergaroo?”  How did a kangaroo get mixed up in this?  Did an alligator mate with a kangaroo to make some kind of high-jumping, iron-jawed monster from the dyspeptic bowels of a Lovecraftian fever dream?  No.  I’m pretty sure they just tacked “roo” on the end of the name.  Why couldn’t they name the company “Allergator” and get rid of the stupid kangaroo all together?  Or, more to the point, why couldn't they name themselves “If-you’re-eating-this-you-got-dealt-a-shitty-hand-in-life-gator?” 

Silly mascots aside, the folks at Allergaroo are doing some noble work for kids with food allergies.  The company’s mission statement reads: “I am happy to provide a line of ready-made dishes that I believe your kids will love and you will know is food allergy safe. Allergaroo products are formulated to be free of the 8 most common food allergens (wheat (gluten), milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, fish and shellfish).”  Lucky for me there won’t be any fish in this macaroni!  I’m not allergic…you just shouldn’t put fish in macaroni.  It’s gross.
I still won't mention "nuts."  I'm better than that.
It’s estimated that 12 million people in the United States suffer from food allergies.  Severe allergies result in upwards of 30,000 E.R. visits and 100-200 deaths each year in the U.S. alone.  Food allergies affect more people than I would have imagined but, looking at the “Big Eight” list of allergies, I know someone that falls into each category.  But there’s more!  Celebrities, on the rare occasions when they eat food, are also prone to food allergies.  Just like us normals!  Drew Barrymore is allergic to garlic and coffee which led to her nickname “Fresh Breath” Barrymore.  Billy Bob Thornton is allergic to wheat, shellfish and dairy leaving him nothing to eat but French-fried pertaters.  American songbird, Clay Aiken, has a long list of food allergies including mint, shellfish, tree nuts, mushrooms and chocolate.  You’ll be happy to learn that I just used “Clay Aiken” and “nuts” in the same sentence without taking the low road.  Today I put aside childish things and become a man.

Now we're talking...
Although nut allergies remain the most common, wheat (gluten) allergies can be the most daunting.  For people with Celiac disease, gluten coats the small intestine making it impossible to absorb necessary nutrients.  Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley, rye and malts and it’s also a popular additive in food and cosmetics.  Gluten does not discriminate when it comes to religion.  It is present in matzah balls and communion wafers alike.  Sadly, almost all forms of alcohol are made with some form of gluten.  Luckily, some ingenious brewers have developed gluten-free beer using buckwheat and sorghum instead of the common grains.  Swearing off bread and beer is hard enough but gluten also sneaks into places you’d never expect to find it.  Gluten can pop up in nacho cheese, seasoned rice, baked beans, imitation crab, dry roasted nuts and seeds, lunch meat, hot dogs, soup, salad dressing, frosting and seasoned potato/corn chips.  Do you know how many foods have gluten in them?  The best kinds!!!  Just so I don’t bum out my gluten-free readers, this is what the rest of us are shoveling in our faces…

This is a big bowl of gluten.  Seriously.

Considering how prevalent gluten can be, it’s obvious why there is a market for Allergaroo.  No food can be completely trusted without scouring the list of ingredients and, even then, there’s a danger of contamination.  The appeal of a quick, safe, non-allergenic meal is clear…especially to harried parents.  I tip my hat to Allergaroo (mascot notwithstanding) for providing such a thoughtful product.  But, now we come to the matter at hand.  Can it possibly taste good?

My pouch of Allergaroo Chili Mac informs me that it contains no gluten, milk or soy.  The ingredient list includes tomato paste, rice pasta, rice flour, pinto beans, and various spices.  I guess rice is the replacement grain of choice.  The Chili Mac earns bonus points for convenience.  Preparation consists of opening the pouch, placing in the microwave for a minute and eating.  I dump my macaroni into a bowl and take a whiff.  The scent of tomato and onion are overpowering but not in a bad way.  It smells like every Chef Boyardee product that has ever been or will ever be.  The pinto beans look a little out of place but I suppose they are a meat substitute and not unheard of in veggie chili.  I balance a heaping helping of Chili Mac on my spoon and take a bite…


Now, there are two ways to rate this food.  As an easily prepared, allergy-safe stand-in for SpaghettiO’s this is an absolute success.  It’s ready to eat in seconds, it tastes pretty good and (if you’re allergic) it will not kill you.  That’s a win!  As a food, there are some problems.  The rice pasta is way too firm.  The texture of everything is just a little bit off and the flavor is exactly like you’d expect from a pre-cooked pasta dish.  But it doesn’t claim to be filet mignon.  Allergaroo Chili Mac tastes as good as any Chef Boyardee product that I’ve eaten and that is a great success.  This is a quick and easy snack with the added benefit of not killing people with food allergies.  Unlike this son of a bitch…

Does he have pasta sauce on his hands or the blood of children?  Pasta sauce is the answer!

Alrighty, Internuts!  That’s all for today but I’ll be back next week.  Until then, stay safe and don’t dip your hot dog in frosting if you have Celiac disease.  Or if you don’t have Celiac disease.  Either way.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Chris expands your musical horizons.

Hello, friends!  I'm currently neck-deep in the production of the Top Secret Internuts Project.  If all goes according to plan, it'll be ready for public consumption next week.  Have your bibs ready because there's gonna be so much drawn butter!*  In the meantime, I'm going to be very lazy and share a bunch of my favorite music mashups instead of, you know, writing words.  Relax, put your earbuds in and I'll see you all next week!

*Plastic bibs are recommended but not required for the enjoyment of the Top Secret Internuts Project.

The Mashups!

Pink Floyd and The Bee Gees...together at last!

I can take or leave Annie Lennox but Adele is awesome and this remix is phenomenal.

Petula Clark's "Downtown" mixed with "Octopus's Garden."  I still can't listen to "Downtown" without thinking about Seinfeld.

Ozzy Osbourne meets A-Ha.  This works surprisingly well!

Nirvana and Michael Jackson.  Do I have to write more?  Listen to this.  Now.

This isn't the best mashup of the group but it does feature Christopher Walken dancing so it's well worth your time!

Alright, these next two aren't mashups at all. They're just really good...

The Punch Brothers (featuring the world's best mandolin player, Chris Thile) covering "Kid A" by Radiohead.  If you only listen to one painstakingly accurate bluegrass cover of a Radiohead song, this should be the one.  For purists only!

And I'll leave you with one of my favorite bands performing one of my favorite songs by one of my other favorite bands.  Please, enjoy The Derek Trucks Band (featuring Susan Tedeschi) performing "The Weight."  Stay clear of that hurricane, Internuts, and I'll seeya back here next week!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Chris survives an earthquake.

I don't want to alarm you guys but the earth was just shaking for a minute!  I put up with east coast winters specifically to avoid stuff like this.  Get it together, geologists!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Chris stands in the place where he lives.

Hey there, gang!  The days are getting shorter, the air is getting cooler, and a new school year is about to begin.  That’s right, Internuts, summer is drawing to a close.  I, for one, will be greeting autumn with open arms!  Fall has always been my favorite season.  I love the cool weather, the changing leaves and the opportunity to cover my beer gut in a hooded sweatshirt.  Since I’m already filling you in on my seasonal preferences (and beer gut), let me tell you a little bit about the spot where I’ll be carving jack-o’-lanterns this year.  It’s my adopted hometown of…


You can see me if you squint.

I originally put down stakes in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania to be closer to my office (as many of you know I am a wealthy haberdasher and bon vivant).  Thankfully, “Conshy” has provided me with more than a short commute over the last few years.  Conshohocken is about one square mile in size and situated on the east bank of the Schuylkill River, a few short miles from Philadelphia.  The name “Conshohocken” is taken from a Native American phrase which means “Pleasant Valley.”  As a resident who is required to correctly spell “Conshohocken” on a regular basis, I can attest that “Pleasant Valley” would have sufficed just fine.  Here’s an insider’s trick: make sure you always include a “hoho” when you write “Conshohocken” and if that fails just write illegibly!

This doesn't end well...
William Penn, namesake of the pencil*, purchased the land around Conshohocken in 1683 from the Tammany Indians.  Penn then installed hardwood floors and a finished basement and “flipped” the land to local Quaker, Jasper Farmer (a farmer) for a tidy profit.*  William Penn would go on to build and, subsequently climb to the apex of, City Hall in Philadelphia where he was ultimately shot to death by bi-planes.*  Jasper Farmer went on to divide his land between a number of other Quaker families who would begin the industrialization and incorporation of Conshohocken.


Yes, this is a strip club.
Conshy would go on to play an important role in the Revolutionary War.  The aforementioned role being an escape route for terrified retreat from the British.  In 1778, General Lafayette led 2000 troops across the Schuylkill crying “Mettons-nous la baise outta esquiver” or “Let’s get the fuck outta Dodge.*”  Another hero of the Revolution was Edward “Ned” Hector, one of the few free African American men to fight for the Continental Army.  Hector holds a special place in my heart because I happen to reside on Hector Street.  Hector Street: home of two bars, a nut store, a deli, a strip club…and me!  Take that, Redcoats!!!

*Tremendously untrue.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves!  A census tells us that, in 1833, Conshohocken had one store, one tavern, one rolling mill, one grist mill and six houses.  Not a strip club to be found!!!  Following the war, Conshohocken began an industrial boom that would last well into the 20th century.  The natural resources of the area combined with easy access to the Schuylkill (and later, railroads) made Conshohocken a major supplier to the growing metropolis of Philadelphia.   To bastardize a quote from The Simpsons, Conshohocken was a city on the…grow!

A helluva town.

It's a proud day as Springfield Conshohocken is declared one of America's four hundred fastest-growing cities.  And why not?  Business is booming!  Half the country wears Springfield Conshohocken galoshes.  And say hello to the state's first Aqua-Car factory.  Keep 'em coming, boys!  The city's even in the celebrity business.  Everyone knows Professor Rubbermouth hails from Springfield Conshohocken. Everybody's chipping in; even this fellow [a dog pulling a wagon with a sign, "I'll pull for Springfield Conshy"] has Springfield Conshohocken's can-do spirit.  So watch out, Utica: Springfield Conshohocken is a City On the...Grow!

According to a respected history of Conshohocken, the booming town attracted “young, unmarried transient men.”  This would explain how I wound up here with a hobo’s bindle and a song in my heart.  By 1900, most of the “unmarried transient men” had become married and decidedly less transient.  While earlier residents began to plant their roots in the community (if you know what I mean) a surge of immigrants arrived to work the many factory jobs available.  Most represented among the new arrivals were the Irish.  The Irish neighborhoods were known locally as Irishtown, Whiskey Lane and Cork Row.  I think it’s safe to say that people had some hang-ups about the Irish back then.  Luckily, a recent influx of college students and young professionals has restored Conshohocken to the whiskey-soaked Gomorrah it was meant to be!

The industrial boom continued through the middle of the 20th century while the factories of Conshohocken produced sorely needed supplies for both World Wars.  Eventually, the need for steel and rubber declined and the leaders of industry started to “mettons-nous la baise outta esquiver.”  Many of the pre-industrial factories closed or were repurposed.  The roving hoards of drunken Irishmen became married and decidedly less drunken.  Conshohocken was slowly being deserted. 

Luckily, urban redevelopment began in 1974.  Most of the deserted factories were cleared away and new businesses began to spring up (including the office I currently work in).  The completion of the Matsonford Bridge connected Conshy to the main thoroughfares of Eastern Pennsylvania (Routes 76 and 476).  A large section of land next to the Schuylkill was transformed into luxury condominiums.  Things were looking up…

Until 2008, when this happened…

Oh boy...

A fire began in an unfinished building of the Riverwalk Millenium apartments (where the sprinklers had not yet been installed).  The fire spread to the other buildings of the apartment complex until it was an 8-alarm blaze.  86 fire companies were called in to battle the inferno.  Thankfully, no lives were lost in the fire (with the exception of a few slow-moving cats) and the apartments have since been rebuilt and opened for new residents (with LOTS of working sprinklers).  The property damage was estimated at $80 million.  Burn.

And that brings us up to present day!  I’ll share one damning anecdote before I loudly sing the praises of my new home.  I never shared this story with my parents so, Mom and Dad, I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily and I hope the statute of limitations has expired on this particular story.   Here we go!  A few months after moving to Conshy I spent the night in Philadelphia with a friend of mine.  The next morning, I received a troublesome text message from my roommate informing me that we had been robbed.  After a tense (hung-over) train ride home I learned that someone had broken into our house, stolen a bunch of high-priced electronics and rolled.  Included in the purloined goods were an HDTV, a laptop, a few cell phones and various other prized possessions.  The Conshohocken Police were notified and it didn’t take long to realize that one of the stolen cell phones had a tracking feature.  Jump to a few hours later when a call was placed to the phone and the police could HEAR IT RINGING inside a local residence.  All the stolen goods were found and the perpetrators were summarily incarcerated.  The entire investigation lasted about 6 hours.  Needless to say, alarms were placed on the doors and windows shortly thereafter.

My stint as a local crime fighter notwithstanding, my time in Conshohocken has been fantastic!  I can walk to work.  I can walk to several phenomenal bars and restaurants!  I can walk to a train to go into Philly!  I can walk to Edwards-Freeman Nut Store (THE SAME NUT STORE I PREVIOUSLY REFERENCED)!  Conshohocken is a perfect mixture of big city excitement and small town convenience and I plan to reside here for the foreseeable future.  Alrighty, my Internuts, that’s all for now!  I’ll meet you back here real soon!