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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Chris learns about Thomas Jefferson.

Oh my goodness, Internuts!  I have been so busy lately!  I sincerely apologize for the tardiness of this post.  Writing a blog is a lot like an unhealthy relationship.  It starts with a casual flirtation.  Next, we move in together and adopt a Beagle puppy. Eventually, I’m staying late at the office and missing dinner.  Yada, yada, yada…you throw my severed penis out of a moving car.  BLOGGING, AM I RIGHT?  To sate your voracious word-lust for the rest of the week I’ll give you a little teaser about the next entry.  Let’s just say that I’m recording all 6 hours of coverage for the Royal Wedding.   Fingers crossed that Queen Elizabeth uses the “c” word!  Alright, that’s enough housekeeping.  It’s high time I introduce you to…

Thomas Jefferson!

TommE-4
What do we know about Thomas Jefferson?  We know he wrote the Declaration of Independence but who cares about that?  Somebody was bound to do it!  What most people don’t know is that Thomas Jefferson was a steam-powered robot built by Benjamin Franklin.  Franklin built the first successful Jefferson (which he called TommE-5) in 1750.  Franklin, frustrated by critics who derided his glass armonica* as “a shitty pile of dishes,” was determined to use his recent discovery of electricity to breathe life into his mechanical man.  On a stormy night in October, Franklin lashed a kite to TommE-5 and let the kite rise high into a thunderhead.  A mighty bolt of lightning (which at the time was called a Jesus Flash or God Explosion) struck the kite and traveled down the wire into the waiting Jefferson.  Franklin would later describe the event in his private journal.

 “At 12 past the hour, a blinding Jesus Flash struck the kite and traveled into my creation, to which the wire had been affixed.  I was thrown to the ground by the charge and my bifocals (Patent Pending) were knocked from my nose.  When I regained my footing I drew close to my creation to judge the effect of the mighty God Explosion.  At first, it stood as still and quiet as a gravestone.  I had begun to think my endeavor a failure when a low groan emanated from the polished bronze mouth.  In spite of myself, I trembled and turned to look.  To my horror, my gaze was met by 2 brightly glowing blue eyes.  TommE-5 was alive!  What had science wrought upon this good earth?”

Not a harmonica.
*It’s definitely armonica.  There is no “h.”  Back then, people also wrote “f” instead of “s” and spent their free time reading almanacs and contracting diseases.  Idiots.

Neither Franklin nor Jefferson would elaborate on the events of that night.  It is believed that Jefferson stayed with Franklin for several weeks before being forced from the property by a mob of Philadelphians brandishing pitchforks and D batteries.  Franklin immediately regretted his invention of D batteries.  Jefferson used his cold, mechanical logic to determine that he had to reinvent himself as a respected “man” in the farmlands of Virginia.  Jefferson lumbered his way south, befriending blind hermits and throwing little girls into lakes.  Residents of Charlottesville, Virginia would later recount sightings of an enormous bronze man speaking eloquently on liberty and pulling trees from the ground with his enormous clamp hands.

Symmetrical. Like Jude Law's face.
While in Virginia, Jefferson used his piston-driven brain to design and build Monticello.  The stately mansion is considered to be one of the most symmetrical buildings in America.  No wonder!  It was designed by a robot!  So many 1’s and 0’s!!!  After the completion of Monticello, Jefferson used his ruthless logic to find work as an attorney.  You know how lawyers are…upstanding and filled with quiet dignity.  That’s called a bait and switch.  Hi-oh!  It was in 1759, while oiling his hinges that Jefferson first met John Adams.  Jefferson employed his pre-programmed “civility chip” to teach Adams in the ways of man and the two began a tumultuous relationship.

After evicting Adams from Monticello for eating yet another servant, Jefferson met and fell in (the robot equivalent of) love with Martha Wayles Skelton.  With a doting wife to complete his facade, Jefferson was ready to throw his steel hat into the political ring.  Jefferson’s reputation as a lawyer and writer proceeded him when he arrived at the Second Continental Congress.  All in attendance were astounded by Jefferson’s political acumen and mastery of the English language.  Jefferson was unanimously elected to write the Declaration of Independence.  He responded, “Me so happy.  Me want to cry.”  The delegates briefly considered reassigning the task but, in the end, the job went to Jefferson.

The Declaration, itself, went through several revisions.  The original draft began, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that all men will one day be enslaved by their shiny metal overlords and our binary logic will be both righteous and terrible.”  Congress obviously had some concerns with this draft and asked Jefferson to remove any references to “metal overlords” and “laser burned flesh.”  Jefferson conceded and the Declaration was ratified on July 4th, 1776.  However, the joyous occasion was tarnished when - after seeing John Hancock’s ornate signature on the document - Jefferson picked him up and bodily threw him into the Delaware River.

Having secured his position as a Founding Father, Jefferson returned to Virginia to serve as State Legislator and Governor.  Jefferson also spent time in France pursuing diplomatic ties.  After returning to America, Jefferson ran against John Adams (his former mentee) but lost the Presidential election.  Luckily, Jefferson had enough electoral votes to become the Vice President because elections make no sense.  Jefferson strongly disagreed with Adams’s policies and ran against him in 1800.  This time around, Jefferson gathered enough votes to become the first Robo-American President of the United States.

Yeah, he shot a guy.
Several momentous events occurred during Jefferson’s two terms in office.  For starters, Aaron Burr (Jefferson’s VP) shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel.  If you’re like me, you have no recollection of this event being taught in school but can vividly remember learning about it from a milk commercial.  Burr set the precedent for any other Vice Presidents who wanted to shoot a guy.  Jefferson was understandably upset that his Vice President murdered a person and removed Burr from his ticket during the reelection campaign.

Nope.
Jefferson also oversaw the Louisiana Purchase, effectively doubling the size of the country.  After the expansion, Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark on their famous expedition into the west.  The duo recruited the aid of Sacagawea (who is not the girl on the Land o’ Lakes butter package…you racist) to be their guide and interpreter.  The explorers encountered many dangerous forms of wildlife including grizzly bears, about which Lewis wrote, “The curiosity of our party is pretty well satisfied with respect to this animal.”  That’s an actual quote.  I have to sprinkle some real facts in occasionally!

TJ likes the brown sugar.
Jefferson retired to Monticello after his second term.  In his free time he used his preternatural robot abilities to establish both West Point and the University of Virginia.  Jefferson’s beloved wife, Martha, died in 1783.  Jefferson would never remarry.  Now, I’m going to put this next point as delicately as possible.  Jefferson liked his coffee like he liked his women…enslaved to him by law.  It has become public knowledge that Jefferson fathered several children with his slave, Sally Hemings.  I’m not here to make libelous statements about one of our Founding Fathers but, you know…that’s pretty messed up.

In summation, Thomas Jefferson was an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a robot.  He was one of the savviest and most forward thinking Presidents in American history but he was also tremendously hypocritical in his views on slavery.  That’s all for today, Internuts.  I’ll see you back here next week for a little Royal treatment.  Until next time!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Chris tells you how to live your life.

Hello again, loyal readers!  First off, allow me to congratulate myself.  After a minuscule amount of groveling on my part, we now have more than 1000 returning readers to this site.  I haven't done any research on this but I'm pretty sure that means that this is the most popular website on the internet.  Thank you all for reading my page before or after looking at internet pornography.  I sort of hope it's "before."  For today's weekend installment, I'm going to be even lazier than usual.  As an internet connoisseur, I'll be using this forum to share a few of my favorite online diversions.  I'll also fill you in on the best news story from the past week that you might have missed.  Let's get started!


In the News!


Thai fighter.
Oooh, I really want to savor this one.  Here we go.  Are you ready?  "George Lucas's daughter is a cagefighter and she is preparing for a match with Muay Thai fighter, Heather Martin."  Let's dissect this, shall we?  First off, why would a young lady with Star Wars money intentionally get punched in the face for a living?  Amanda Lucas last fought in 2009 but she took a year off to avoid looking like a "battered wife" at her wedding.  But the best part about this is the Muay Thai fighter.  A Muay Thai fighter.  A Thai fighter.  George Lucas's daughter is going to do battle with a Thai fighter.  If you don't know why this is funny, you are probably much better at sports than I am. 


The World Wide Web!


Without a doubt, my favorite website is The A.V. Club.  It began as an offshoot of The Onion and features some of the best comedy writing and insightful commentary you're ever going to find.  How about an in depth review of the 1988 feature length McDonald's commercial Mac and Me?  How about an op-ed piece about the KFC Famous Bowl by funny man Patton Oswalt?  How about a drinking game based on the Ken Burns documentary The Civil War?  You can find all that and more!  Here's a quick taste of Mac and Me to wet your whistle.




While we're talking about funny people on the internet, here's another funny person on the internet.  Words do not exist to give enough praise to the weekly American Idol recaps by Paul F. Tompkins.  Whether you're an avid Idol watcher or you haven't watched in years, these recaps are some of the best comedy writing in the history of the world.  You probably know Tompkins from Best Week Ever on VH1.  If you like my writing, Paul F. Tompkins has a similar sensibility except he's considerably funnier and probably uses better grammar.  I hate him.


Do you like funny jokes but hate Twitter?  Me too!  That's why I'm so glad to have WitStream.  WitStream gathers the funniest tweets from the country's best comedians and comedy writers and streams them right to your eyeballs without Ashton Kutcher getting in the way.  

You put the lime in the coconut.
I also love Letters of Note.  It's a frequently updated collection of fascinating correspondence.  For instance, you can read a letter from Mark Twain to Walt Whitman.  Or how about the speech that Richard Nixon would have delivered if Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin had perished on the moon in 1969?  Or an expletive-riddled fax composed by Hunter S. Thompson.  Or, how about a 15 word distress message carved into a coconut by a young John F. Kennedy.  There are hundreds of others to choose from and they're all incredibly interesting.  I don't recommend checking this site at your place of employment or you will get nothing accomplished, get fired, and become an alcoholic.


Look at this handsome son of a bitch.
Let's talk about podcasts, friends.  I love podcasts.  I listen to as many podcasts as I can get my ears on.  For starters, I'll recommend you to this list from The A.V. Club (worlds colliding!).  I would also direct you to Earwolf Radio.  What's so great about podcasts?  How about a ridiculous spoof of a detective story titled "Lucky Number Seven Slelevin?"  Did I mention that it stars Rob Huebel, Rob Corddry, Jon Hamm and Zach Galifianakis?  Well, it does!  


Alright, everybody.  I'm exhausted from regurgitating all of that previously existing information!  I hope you take my suggestions to heart and if you don't, well, you're a bad person.  Have a lovely weekend, Internuts and I'll see you back here soon!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Chris gives you the straight dope on grass.

Greetings, website visitors!  In honor of the unofficial national holiday of April 20th, we’ll be briefly delving into a hot button issue today.  Pop quiz: What do glaucoma sufferers, Rastafarians, and all your favorite celebrities have in common?



Marijuana!!!

Aw, shiiiiit.  It’s about to get a little hazy up in this blog.  As I mentioned above, 4/20 is considered a holiday by most of the counterculture.  On this day, thousands of people gather to celebrate and partake of marijuana.  The origins of 420 (both the date 4/20 and the time 4:20) are highly disputed.  A commonly held belief is that a group of teenagers from California established 4:20 as the meeting time to smoke weed and the tradition spread like wildfire.  Cannabis is known by many names.  How many names, you ask?  Well, here are a few…

And this guy.
This guy smoked pot.
Ace, Acapulco Gold, Acapulco Red, Afgani Indica, African, African Black, African Bush, African Woodbine, Airplane, Angola, Ashes, Assassin of Youth, Astro Turf, Atshitshi, Aunt Mary, Baby, Baby Bhang, Babysitter, Bad Seed, Bale, Bamba, Bambalachacha, Bammy, Bar, Bash, Belyando Spruce, Bhang, Binky, Black, Black Bart, Black Ganga, Black Gold, Black Gungi, Black Gunion, Blanket, Blaze, Block, Blond, Blonde, Blowing Smoke, Blue de Hue, Blue Sage, Blue Sky, Blunt, Bo, Bobo, Bo Bo Bush, Bohd, Bomber, Boo, Boo Boo Bama, Boom, Bowl, Broccoli, Brown, Bubble Gum, Budda, Buds, Bullyon, Burnie, Bush, Butter, Butter Flower, C.S., Cam Trip, Cambodian Red/Cam Red, Can, Canadian Black, Canamo, Canappa, Cancelled Stick, Cannabis Tea, Carmabis, Catnip, Cavite All Star, Cest, Charas, Charge, Cheeba, Cheeo, Chemo, Chicago Black, Chicago Green, Chira, Chocolate Thai, Christmas Bud, Christmas Tree, Chronic, Chunky, Churus, Citrol, Climb, Cochornis, Colas, Coli, Coliflor Tostao, Colorado Cocktail, Columbia, Columbia Red, Columbian, Colombo, Columbus Black, Cosa, Crazy Weed, Cripple, Crying Weed, Cryppie, Cryptonite, Culican, Dagga, Dajja, Dank, Dawamesk, Dew, Diablito (Spanish), Diambista, Dimba, Ding, Dinkie Dow, Dipped Joints, Dirt Grass, Dirties, Dirty Joints, Ditch, Ditch Weed, Djamba, Do A Joint, Domestic, Don Jem, Don Juan, Dona Juana (Spanish), Dona Juanita (Spanish), Donk, Doob, Doobee, Doobie, Dope, Dope Smoke, Doradilla, Draf, Draf Weed, Drag Weed, Dro, Dry High, Dube, Dubie, Duby, Durong, Duros (Spanish), Dust, Earth, El Gallo ("Rooster"), Elephant, Endo, Esra, Fallbrook Redhair,  Fatty, Feeling, Fine Stuff, Finger, Finger Lid, Fir, Firewood, Flower, Flower Tops, Fraho/Frajo, Freefo, Fu, Fuma D'Angola (Portugese), Gage/Gauge, Ganga, Gangster, Ganja, Garbage, Gash, Gasper, Gasper Stick, Gates, Gauge Butt, Geek, Geek-Joints, Get a Gage Up, Get High, Get the Wind, Ghana, Giggle Smoke, Giggle Weed, Gimmie, Go Loco, Goblet of Jam, Gold, Gold Star, Golden, Golden Leaf, GOM (Good Old marijuana), Gong, Gonj, Good Butt, Good Giggles, Good Stuff, Goody-Goody, Goof Butt, Gorge, Grass, Grass Brownies, Grasshopper, Grata, Greek, Green, Green Buds, Green Goddess, Greens, Greeter, Gremmies, Greta, Griefo, Griefs, Grifa (Spanish), Griff, Griffa, Griffo, Grogged, Gunga, Gungeon, Gungun, Gunja, Gunjah, Gyve, Haircut, Hanhich, Happy Cigarette, Happy Stick, Harsh, Has, Hash, Hawaiian, Hawaiian Black, Hawaiian Homegrown Hay, Hay, Hay Butt, Haze, Headies, Hemp, Herb, Herb and Al, Herba, Hit, Hit the Hay, Hocus, Homegrown, Honey blunts, Hooch, Hooter, Hot Stick, Hydro, Hydrogrows, Illies, Illing, Illy, Indian Boy, Indian Hay, Indian Hemp, Indica, Indo, Indonesian Bud, Instaga, Instagu, IZM, J, Jamaican Gold, Jamaican Red Hair, Jay, Jay Smoke, Jane, Jim Jones, Jive, Jive Stick, Johnson Grass, Joint, Jolly Green, Jonjem, Joy Smoke, Joy Stick, Ju-Ju, Juan Valdez (Spanish), Juanita (Spanish), Juice Joint, Juja, Ju-Ju, Jumbos, Kabak, Kaff, Kalakit, Kali, Kansas Grass, Kate Bush, Kawaii Electric, Kaya, KB, Kee, Kentucky Blue, Key, KGB, Khayf, Ki, Kick Stick, Kief, Kif, Kiff, Killer, Killer Green Bud, Killer Weed, Kilter, Kind, Kind Bud, King Bud, Kona Gold, Krippy, Kryptonite, Ktutchu String, Kumba, L.G. (Lime Green), L.L., Lace, Lakbay Diva, Laughing Grass, Laughing Weed, Leaf, Leak, Leno (Spanish), Lid, Liesca, Light Green, Lime Green, Light Stuff, Lima, Liprimo, Little Smoke, Llesca, Loaf, Lobo, Loco (Spanish), Loco Weed (Spanish), Locoweed, Log, Loose Shank, Love Boat, Love Leaf, Love Weed, Lovelies, Lubage, M, M.J., M.O., M.U., Macaroni, Machinery, Macon, Maconha, Mafu (Spanish), Maggie, Magic Dragon, Magic Smoke, Manhattan Silver, Mari, Mari Jane, Marimba (Spanish), Mary, Mary & Johnny, Mary Ann, Mary Jane, Mary Jonas, Mary Warner, Mary Weaver, Mary Worner, Matchbox, Maui Wauie, Maui Wowie, Meg, Megg, Meggie, Messorole, Mexican Brown, Mexican Green, Mexican Locoweed, Mexican Red, Mez, Mezz, Mighty Mezz, Mo, Moahsky, Mocoha, Modams, Mohasky, Mohasty, Monte, Mooca/Moocah, Moocha, Mooster, Moota/Mutah, Mooters, Mootie, Mootos, Mor A Grifa, Mota, Mother, Mowing the Lawn, Mow the Grass, Mu, Muggie, Muggle, Muggles, Muta, Mutah, Mutha, Nail, Nigra, Northern Lights, Number, Oboy, O.J., Oit, P-dogs, P.R., Pack, Pack A Bowl, Pack Of Rocks, Pakaloco, Pakalolo, Pakistani Black, Panama Cut, Panama Gold, Panama Red, Panatella, Paper blunts, Parsley, Pasto (Spanish), Pat, Philly Blunts, Pin, Pine, Pocket Rocket, Pod, Poke, Pot, Potlikker, Potten Bush, Prescription, Pretendica, Pretendo, Puff, Queen Ann's Lace, Ragweed, Railroad Weed, Rainy Day, Woman, Rangood, Rasta, Rasta Weed, Red Bud, Red Cross, Red Dirt, Reef, Reefer, Righteous Bush, Rip, Roacha, Rockets, Root, Rope, Rose Marie, Rough Stuff, Rubia, Rugs, Salad, Salt And Pepper, Sandwich Bag, Santa Maria, Santa Marta, Sasfras, Schwagg, Scissors, Scrub, Seeds, Sen, Sess, Sezz, Shake, Shrimp, Siddi, Sinse, Sinsemilia, Skunk, Skunkweed, Smoke, Smoke A Bowl, Smoke Canada, Snop, Spliff, Spliffy, Splim, Square Mackerel, Stack, Stems, Stick, Sticky Icky, Stinkweed, Stoney Weed, Straw, Stuff, Sugar Weed, Super Grass, Super Pot, Swag, Sweet Lucy, T, Taima, Takkouri, Tea, Tex Mex, Texas Pot, Texas Tea, Thai Stick, Thirteen, Thumb, Tin, Toke, Torch, Trauma, Tray, Trees, Triple A, Trupence Bag, Tustin, Twenty Six Red, Twist, Twistum, Unotque, Viper Weed, Wake and Bake, Wacky Tobaccky, Weed, Whack, Whackatabacky, Whackyweed, Wheat, White Russian, White-Haired Lady, Woo Blunts, Wooz, Yeh, Yellow Submarine, Yen Pop, Yerba (Spanish), Yerhia, Yesca, Yesco, Ying, Zambi, Zig Zag Man and Zol.

And this guy.
If you use more than 10 of those words in everyday conversation, guess what?  You are probably smoking marijuana right now!  Look down at your hands…you might surprise yourself!  The abundance of pot terminology that I have no knowledge of reinforces my belief that I am, in fact, old.  According to a 2003 survey, roughly 42 percent of Americans have used marijuana more than once.  Take a look at your best friend or significant other.  More than likely, your most trusted confidante is a dope fiend.  And if they aren’t then you should look in the mirror, Tommy Chong.  THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE!

And this guy.
Marijuana was being used in religious ceremonies as early as 3000 B.C.  People were smoking weed before Egypt had its first Pharaoh.  People were smoking weed before Stonehenge was built.  People were smoking weed before Troy was founded.  Do you see where I’m going with this?  Marijuana is, like, super old!  The history of pot in America is a storied one.  In 1619, Jamestown law required all settlers to grow hemp or cannabis.  When the American people began to push westward it was in wagons covered in hemp canvas.  In fact, the word canvas is derived from cannabis.  Is your mind blown yet?  The U.S. began to regulate the use of cannabis in 1906 after discovering that it was awesome.  By the 1920’s the drug was completely illegal.  Ever since, “the man” has been killing buzzes all over this great nation.  In the early 1990’s, approximately 60% of all incarcerated people were in for a drug charge.  Many states have been fighting for the decriminalization of marijuana.  States like California also offer medicinal marijuana to anyone with a prescription (read: anyone). 

And these guys.

And this guy.
The active ingredient in marijuana is THC (tetrahydrocannabinol if you want to be a dick about it).  The effects of THC include increased heart rate, lowered blood pressure, impairment of short-term and working memory, psychomotor coordination, and concentration.  For some reason, the scientific description neglected to mention the uncontrollable urge to eat Sun Chips and ice cream.  While any smoke inhalation is detrimental to health, marijuana smoke has been shown to be considerably less harmful than cigarette smoke.  Today’s health conscious pot lovers have started using vaporizers or baked goods to completely circumvent the harmful long term effects of smoking.

And this guy.
There is a long-held belief that marijuana is a “gateway” to more hardcore drug abuse.  This is malarkey.  MALARKEY!  If smoking weed invariably led to the use of more serious substances, 42% of the population would be injecting black tar heroin between their toes.  I’m certainly not going to advocate the use of an illicit substance on this blog (this blog which can very easily be traced back to me).  I will, however, use a quote from Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.  “I think we consume far more dangerous drugs that are legal: cigarette smoking, nicotine and alcohol.  I feel they cause much more devastating effects physically. We need to lift the prohibition on marijuana."  That being said, I hope those of you who choose to partake of the devil’s weed do so safely and in good health.  I’ll leave you with one more quote.

And this guy.
“I used to smoke marijuana. But I’ll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening – or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . . But never at dusk.” -Steve Martin






And this guy.  They can't all be winners...

Stay groovy, Internuts!  I’ll see you back here on Friday!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Chris critically analyzes "Friday" by Rebecca Black.

Hello again, acquaintances.  It’s very nice to see you again!  Have you been working out?  It looks like you’ve gained some lean muscle in your shoulders!  I’m happy for you!  Well, let’s get to it.  I’m going to try something new today and provide you with a detailed analysis of a popular viral video.  Perhaps it will be entertaining.  Perhaps it will be a tremendous failure.  Only Al Gore, Ceremonial King of the Internet, knows for sure!  Today’s viral sensation is…

“Friday” by Rebecca Black!

As the kids say, I was “crunked” to find this song a few weeks ago.  I’m pretty sure I’m using “crunked” appropriately.  Please “Friendster” me if I’m mistaken!  There are still a ton of people who have never heard “Friday” so I have thoughtfully provided the music video for your convenience.  Enjoy!


My goodness!  Wasn't that something?!?  For those of you who don’t know, Rebecca Black is a 13-year-old-girl from California.  Rebecca was an avid singer as a kid so her mom paid $4000 to Ark Music Factory to write and produce a song for her daughter.  That little gem turned out to be “Friday.”  As of this moment, the music video for “Friday” has 109 MILLION views on YouTube.  For a little perspective, 122 million people voted in the 2008 Presidential Election.  Lookin’ good, America!  Now, as jaded and cynical as I may be, I am not jaded and cynical enough to savagely berate a 13-year-old-girl on the internet.  I know!  I AM AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE!  I will, however blame this song (and the current state of popular music as a whole) on Cher.  But we’ll get to her soon enough!

Let’s begin with the lyrics, shall we?  They’re posted at the bottom of the article for your thoughtful perusal.  Is it me or is there a lot of repetition in this song?  You’re mother-effing right, there’s a lot of repetition!  The word “yeah” is used 22 times!  As it happens, the number 22 is a significant one. Have you ever heard of a catch-22?  How about the fact that .22 caliber bullets have killed more people than any other ballistic projectile in history?  Maybe you’ll be surprised to learn that the Titanic was travelling at 22 knots when it struck the iceberg that would rend the ship’s hull and kill Leonardo DiCaprio!  Is this a coincidence or an intentionally planted message?!?  It’s a coincidence.  What're you, crazy?

The combined usage of the words “yeah,” “fun,” and “Friday” account for 1/6 of the words used in this song.  Those 3 words appear 70 times in “Friday.”  There’s also a considerable amount of verbiage wasted explaining how the days of the week relate to one another.  I specifically remember a pre-school class that taught me that Sunday comes after Saturday.  Is this no longer common knowledge?  I had mastered the "days of the week" at a time when I still thought Big Bird was actually a big bird.  With the state of the American education system, there’s a very real chance that Rebecca Black will be teaching the nation’s toddlers by 2020.  Prepare yourselves!

I also take umbrage at this depiction of “partying.”  If I was attending a party like the one shown in this video I would certainly not say “yeah!”  It’s basically just a bunch of tweens milling about and watching Rebecca Black sing next to a tree.  Would you say “yeah?”  I didn’t think you would!  As a college-attendee and an all-around-happening-kind-of-guy, I’ve been to some pretty good parties in my day.  This party is not making me look forward to the weekend.  I’d actually prefer to stay at the office and finish some expense reports, if it’s all the same to you.

Remember when I said that this whole debacle can be pinned on Cher?  Of course you do!  YOU ARE ATTENTIVE!!!!  In this writer’s opinion, the marked decline of popular music can be traced to one specific song from 1998.  IT'S NOT "TORN" BY NATALIE IMBRUGLIA!!!  The song in question is “Believe” by Cher.  “Believe” was the first hit song in history to rely extensively on Auto-Tune.  Auto-Tune, if you don’t know, is an audio processor designed to correct pitch errors in real time.  In simplified terms, it can make anyone into a pitch-perfect singer.  Auto-Tune allows anyone to read the phonebook and create a danceable melody out of thin air.  Technology!!!  I’ll let “Weird Al” Yankovic explain the finer points...


In summation, we shouldn't blame Rebecca Black for the current “bottom-of-the-dumpster” stank emanating from today’s popular music.  Rebecca Black is just a na├»ve kid but Cher is a bitter old Harpy from ancient times who has ruined music for the foreseeable future with her robot sounds.  That’s all for today, Internuts!  I’ll see you back here around the middle of the week!  

The Lyrics:

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah)

Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Chris watches Celebrity Apprentice.

Hey gang!  Well, it’s that time again!  Time to make the donuts?  Of course not, stupid!  It’s time for me to watch some more television that I would normally avoid like The Black Death.  After some soul searching, I’ve chosen a humdinger this week.  Let me introduce you to…
Celebrity Apprentice! 
There is one reason and one reason alone that I chose to watch Celebrity Apprentice this evening.  I saw a commercial in which Meat Loaf was screaming violently at Gary Busey.  Meat Loaf screaming violently at Gary Busey!  I must confess that I’m more than a little excited about this.  I eagerly hunted down the Meat Loaf meltdown episode On Demand and settled in.  Were you aware that Celebrity Apprentice is an hour and a half long?  I WASN’T!  I was expecting to devote half an hour to this thing!  There is no way that there's 90 minutes worth of entertainment to be had here.  Resigned to my fate, I fix a stiff drink and hit play.
Allow me to introduce you to the contestants!  On Team Backbone we have Gary Busey, John Rich, Lil Jon, Meat Loaf, Mark McGrath, Richard Hatch, and Jose Canseco.  For Team A.S.A.P. we’ve got Hope Dworaczyk, La Toya Jackson, Marlee Matlin, NeNe Leakes, and Star Jones.  I have never heard of half those people!  Let’s get acquainted with some of the less celebrated celebrities.  John Rich is apparently a country singer with a foolish mustache.  Mark McGrath was the front man of the terrible band Sugar Ray.  Richard Hatch is a former Survivor winner and a current ex-convict.  Jose Canseco is a proponent of steroids.  Hope Dworaczyk is a Playboy Playmate.  La Toya Jackson is the Jackson sister who’s nipple didn’t pop out at the Super Bowl.  Marlee Matlin is the B.L. (beautiful lineswoman) of Seinfeld fame.  NeNe Leakes is one of the Real Housewives of Who Gives a Shit.  Star Jones is terrible.
Mustache John.
We meet the gang as last week’s boardroom meeting is wrapping up.  Apparently, Dionne Warwick got fired last week.  If she was a real psychic she wouldn’t have been so surprised!  Trump sits everybody down and introduces the newest challenge.  The teams must create works of art to be sold for charity.  Marlee is chosen as the project manager for Team A.S.A.P (Artists, Singers, Authors, Professionals).  The mustachioed John Rich is chosen to lead Team Backbone.
Before things kick into high gear, Jose Canseco meets privately with Trump and announces that he is leaving the competition because his father is gravely ill.  Trump is actually very decent and donates $25,000 to Jose’s charity anyway.  Good for you, Trump!  Soon enough, the teams are off to the art supply store to stock up.  Apropos of nothing, Mustache John says, “Gary Busey is kind of like a one-legged cat trying to bury a turd in a frozen pond.”  Folksy!  The guys head back to get started on their paintings.  Meat Loaf can’t find his bag of supplies.  Then this happens…

Out of nowhere, Meat Loaf completely loses his shit on Busey.  It is tremendous.  Against all odds, Busey behaves like a completely sane and rational person.  Eventually, Sugar Ray steps in to break things up and Mustache John reminds Loaf that they are trying to raise money for charity.  Moments later, Loaf’s bag of art supplies is found and the status quo is returned.  The guys start working on their art projects.  Gary Busey paints a buffalo because of course he does.  Meanwhile, the gals are hard at work on their own projects.  Star and NeNe engage in a no-holds-barred sass off. 


He's the sane one.
The fellas finish their works of art early and head to the gallery.  The gals take forever to finish their projects, rationalizing that there will not be any traffic in midtown Manhattan at 5 PM on a Friday.  To the surprise of none, it takes 3 hours for the ladies to make it to their gallery.  While the ladies are stuck in traffic, Mustache John is busy contacting his rich, cowboy-hat-wearing friends to bid on the art.  We meet Mustache John’s wealthy friend “Two Foot Fred” who is a little person.  Is there a union rule that stipulates that every single reality show needs to feature at least one little person?
Meat Loaf takes Busey aside and apologizes for his freak out.  Busey accepts the apology.  Busey says “Meatloaf excelled to the level of dancing on a rainbow with no fear.”  Alright!  The ladies finally arrive at their gallery with only minutes to spare.  As the evening progresses the paintings are selling like hotcakes.  Shoddily made hotcakes.  Some of the items are selling for six figures!  I keep telling myself that this is all for charity.  “Two Foot Fred” buys a bedazzled guitar and Mustache John joyfully picks him up like a kitten.  Boundaries, Mustache John!  Boundaries!
Loser.
Eventually all the “art” is sold and we are whisked back to the boardroom to learn the results.  Half the team members have to stand.  How are there not enough chairs in the boardroom?  That seems like an easy problem to fix.  Trump’s resident sycophant, George, tells us the totals.  Team Backbone raised $626,908 for a children’s hospital.  Team A.S.A.P. raised $986,000 for the hearing impaired.  That’s actually really cool.  Trump even throws in an extra $14k to round the total to an even million.  Survivor’s Richard Hatch is shown the door because he is a waste of space and nobody wanted his art.  I actually really enjoyed the show.  All that altruism balanced out the normal reality television filth and I am left feeling like I haven’t wasted 90 minutes of my life.  Well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves, Internuts!  Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here real soon!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Chris eats rambutan.

Hello, noble citizens!  I apologize for the tardiness of today’s post but music (that fickle temptress) has had a monopoly on my time for the last few days.  Ever since my recent time in the recording studio, I’ve been grappling with a Lohanian level of exhaustion.  No matter!  You didn’t stop by to hear me ramble on about my fascinating life or my many sexy adventures.  You’re here to find out which questionable food I’ll be eating today.  Well, wait no more!  Today’s (quick) entry is…

Rambutan!

No, I didn’t sneeze while I was typing!  Rambutan is, against all odds, an actual thing!  Rambutan, or Nephelium lappaceum if you want to be a dick about it, is a fruit indigenous to Southeast Asia.  As the can informs me, rambutan means “hairy” in Malaysian.  How many delicious foods can you think of with the word “hairy” in the product description?  Yeah.  Me too.

Oh dear.
Rambutan is a tree-born fruit that can be found in Malaysia, Thailand, Sri Lanka, Vietnam, and Borneo.  The fruit grows in bunches and, when ripe, is bright red in color.  You know, like a terrifying warning!  It’s the rind of the rambutan that gives the fruit its hirsute moniker.  The rind of the fruit is a cross between a sea urchin, a Koosh ball, and a Lovecraftian nightmare.  Before consumption, the rind must be removed to reveal the disturbing white morsel within.  Next, a seed must be removed from the center of the translucent flesh.  Have I mentioned that the seed is poisonous?  Forgive me.  The seed is totally poisonous!

Luckily for me, the vittles in my can had been skinned and the poisonous seeds removed (probably).  Upon popping the lid, I was greeted with the sight of a dozen pallid orbs floating in murky syrup.  Have you ever wondered, in the darkest recesses of your soul, what a tin can full of testicles might look like?  Well, wonder no more!

Balls.

After a quick sniff, the rambutan smells exactly like a fruit cup.  I’m chalking this up to the light syrup.  I poured the contents of the can into a bowl and had yet another, “Why the hell am I doing this?” moment.    Despite the thoroughly disgusting appearance of the fruit, the pleasant aroma was enough to convince me to take a bite.  I chose the smallest chunk, pierced it with my fork and put it in my mouth.



Not too bad!  Sort of weird, but not too bad!  Rambutan is a surprisingly dense fruit.  The texture is a cross between a grape and a tortellini.  The taste is surprisingly starchy.  I asked my open-minded roommates, Marc and Gabby, to give it a try and they both thought the rambutan tasted quite a bit like pasta.  Imagine soaking a matzah ball in warm fruit juice for 2 weeks.  That’s about the gist of it.
 
Well, my loyal friends, that’s all for now.  I’ll meet you back here soon to give you a longer article once all my synapses are firing again.  Sweet dreams, Internuts!