Oh my goodness, Internuts! I have been so busy lately! I sincerely apologize for the tardiness of this post. Writing a blog is a lot like an unhealthy relationship. It starts with a casual flirtation. Next, we move in together and adopt a Beagle puppy. Eventually, I’m staying late at the office and missing dinner. Yada, yada, yada…you throw my severed penis out of a moving car. BLOGGING, AM I RIGHT? To sate your voracious word-lust for the rest of the week I’ll give you a little teaser about the next entry. Let’s just say that I’m recording all 6 hours of coverage for the Royal Wedding. Fingers crossed that Queen Elizabeth uses the “c” word! Alright, that’s enough housekeeping. It’s high time I introduce you to…
“At 12 past the hour, a blinding Jesus Flash struck the kite and traveled into my creation, to which the wire had been affixed. I was thrown to the ground by the charge and my bifocals (Patent Pending) were knocked from my nose. When I regained my footing I drew close to my creation to judge the effect of the mighty God Explosion. At first, it stood as still and quiet as a gravestone. I had begun to think my endeavor a failure when a low groan emanated from the polished bronze mouth. In spite of myself, I trembled and turned to look. To my horror, my gaze was met by 2 brightly glowing blue eyes. TommE-5 was alive! What had science wrought upon this good earth?”
|Not a harmonica.|
Neither Franklin nor Jefferson would elaborate on the events of that night. It is believed that Jefferson stayed with Franklin for several weeks before being forced from the property by a mob of Philadelphians brandishing pitchforks and D batteries. Franklin immediately regretted his invention of D batteries. Jefferson used his cold, mechanical logic to determine that he had to reinvent himself as a respected “man” in the farmlands of Virginia. Jefferson lumbered his way south, befriending blind hermits and throwing little girls into lakes. Residents of Charlottesville, Virginia would later recount sightings of an enormous bronze man speaking eloquently on liberty and pulling trees from the ground with his enormous clamp hands.
|Symmetrical. Like Jude Law's face.|
After evicting Adams from Monticello for eating yet another servant, Jefferson met and fell in (the robot equivalent of) love with Martha Wayles Skelton. With a doting wife to complete his facade, Jefferson was ready to throw his steel hat into the political ring. Jefferson’s reputation as a lawyer and writer proceeded him when he arrived at the Second Continental Congress. All in attendance were astounded by Jefferson’s political acumen and mastery of the English language. Jefferson was unanimously elected to write the Declaration of Independence. He responded, “Me so happy. Me want to cry.” The delegates briefly considered reassigning the task but, in the end, the job went to Jefferson.
The Declaration, itself, went through several revisions. The original draft began, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that all men will one day be enslaved by their shiny metal overlords and our binary logic will be both righteous and terrible.” Congress obviously had some concerns with this draft and asked Jefferson to remove any references to “metal overlords” and “laser burned flesh.” Jefferson conceded and the Declaration was ratified on July 4th, 1776. However, the joyous occasion was tarnished when - after seeing John Hancock’s ornate signature on the document - Jefferson picked him up and bodily threw him into the Delaware River.
Having secured his position as a Founding Father, Jefferson returned to Virginia to serve as State Legislator and Governor. Jefferson also spent time in France pursuing diplomatic ties. After returning to America, Jefferson ran against John Adams (his former mentee) but lost the Presidential election. Luckily, Jefferson had enough electoral votes to become the Vice President because elections make no sense. Jefferson strongly disagreed with Adams’s policies and ran against him in 1800. This time around, Jefferson gathered enough votes to become the first Robo-American President of the United States.
|Yeah, he shot a guy.|
|TJ likes the brown sugar.|
In summation, Thomas Jefferson was an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a robot. He was one of the savviest and most forward thinking Presidents in American history but he was also tremendously hypocritical in his views on slavery. That’s all for today, Internuts. I’ll see you back here next week for a little Royal treatment. Until next time!