Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Chris watches the Royal Wedding.

Hey there, tea sippers!  As promised, I’ll be writing a little something about the Royal Wedding today.  Lucky for me, no other pertinent world events have happened between the wedding and this moment.  What’s that?  Oh.  In Pakistan, you say?  Riddled with bullets, you say?  I see…  Anyhoo, let’s talk about pretty dresses and horsies!  It’s…

The Royal Wedding, Bitches!

Let’s begin with the most important aspect of this wedding coverage…me.  If you live in my neighborhood, you’ve already signed a document confirming that I am a registered Anglophile.  I love British stuff!  I love Monty Python, the Beatles, red phone booths, tiny little cars, strange road markings, The Office, warm beer, the word “colour,” and boiled meat.  Well, I love most of those things.  But above all things, I love the Royal Family.  From Queen Elizabeth to Henry VIII to that stuttering guy, a motley crew (or Mötley Crüe if you’re from the States) has passed through Buckingham Palace.  And members of the Royal Family are famous from the moment they’re born…just like Suri Cruise!

Earn this.
Last Friday we celebrated the marriage of Prince William (or His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Earl of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter if you’re nasty) and Catherine (Kate) Middleton.  I have paid no attention to the wedding coverage leading up to the event.  Luckily, CNN provided 6 hours for me to watch while I nap on the couch.  The Masters of Ceremony will be Piers Morgan, Anderson Cooper and Cat Deeley.  The CNN coverage is staggering in its lack of relevance.  Eventually, people start arriving at Westminster Abbey.  For reasons known only to the British people, all the men are dressed like butlers and all the ladies are dressed like Kentucky Derby attendees. 
You should see her at The Preakness.
Let’s talk about Kate Middleton for a second.  She is a stone-cold fox (sorry, honey).  More than that, she’s more-or-less a commoner.  I had to say “more-or-less” because she and William are twelfth cousins once removed.  It’s not a Royal Wedding without a little shared DNA!  Kate and William met at University and got engaged in 2010 while on holiday in Kenya.  Having paid little attention to the Royal Family, I still pictured William as a handsome young dude.  Imagine my surprise, dear reader, when I found out that he’s now rocking a full-on George Costanza!  We’re just lucky that Kate didn’t lick too many poisonous stamps for the wedding invitations! 


Oh, hello.
Back to the ceremony, there are several A-List Brits in attendance.  We see David and Victoria Beckham, Guy Ritchie, Joss Stone, Elton John and Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean!) filing into the Abbey.  Let’s get this show on the road!  William hops into a car with Harry and the two Princes are shuttled off to the church.  It’s around this time that I fall asleep on the couch.  I am awoken by the blare of trumpets and I see that Kate is already walking down the aisle.  I briefly consider rewinding the DVR but quickly remind myself that I hate this.  Kate looks smoking hot (sorry again, baby…the Baroness of Carrickfergus and I are just friends).  William looks like Captain Kangaroo. 

CNN reminds me that the wedding ceremony will last about an hour and a half.  I fluff my pillow and settle in.  The internet tells me that it takes Kate 3 and a half minutes to walk to the altar.  I can assure you that it feels significantly longer.  We are treated to several readings which are tremendously dull but sound amazing when delivered with a sonorous English accent.  Will and Kate exchange vows and I’m actually getting a little verklempt.  I think these two crazy cousins are gonna make it!  Uh oh.  They’re already married and there’s still an hour and fifteen minutes of ceremony left.  How much more can be involved here?

Apparently, a lot more can be involved here!  There is a ton of singing.  I mean, a tonnnnnn of singing.  Kate’s brother gives another reading which, again, would be incredibly boring without that kickass accent.  I could listen to John Cleese read the instruction manual for a coffee maker.  Next, a commissioned choral work is sung by a bunch of little British boys.  Is it wrong to assume that they are all chimney sweeps?  If it is, I do not want to be right!  More readings.  Another choral work.  My pillow is becoming more and more inviting.  NO!  YOU WILL WATCH THIS THING, CHRIS!  YOU WILL FINISH WHAT YOU START!!!

One hell of a church.
I am consoled by the beautiful images of Westminster Abbey on my HDTV.  That is one hell of a church.  Am I going to go to hell for writing, “one hell of a church?”  I don’t really care anymore.  I will happily spend an eternity in the 9th circle of hell if it means this wedding will end.  Now everybody sings some kind of rugby fight song.  That’s like singing “Meet the Mets” at the Presidential Inauguration.  Finally…FINALLY…the brass kicks in and all in attendance sing “God Save the Queen.”  I notice that the Queen doesn’t sing “God Save the Queen” and I assume that she doesn’t want to look like a jerk.  Will and Kate retreat to a back room to sign the marriage registry or something.  The choir sings another song for about 6 days.  Eventually, there’s another fanfare and the Bride and Groom lead the procession out of the Abbey. 

There are definitely talking mice in there.
Willie and Kate hop into a carriage which I am quite certain was very recently a pumpkin.  The newlyweds ride through the streets of London, waving to the adoring crowds.  Does this process take a while?  I think you know the answer to that.  Once all the Royals are dropped off at Buckingham Palace, the coverage goes into “treading water mode.”  We are reminded that the married couple didn’t even KISS during the ceremony.   No wonder the Puritans left England.  Those swinging Brits and their loose morals!  After what seems like the remaining years of my life Will and Kate emerge on the balcony of the Royal Palace.  Finally, William plants one on Kate and the crowd goes wild.  I hope William is incredibly thankful that he is the Prince of England and, as such, gets to marry a beautiful lady like Kate (I swear, sweetheart, she doesn’t mean anything to me). 

In summation, this wedding took a long time.  There was a bunch of pomp and circumstance and stiff, British upper lips.  There was a wedding dress and a carriage and a pretty church.  Honestly, it seems like William and Kate actually love each other.  I, for one, will be pulling for the young couple and I’d like to see them make it.  I just hope they like the Foreman Grill I got them.  Pip pip, cheerio!

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