Welcome, friends! I have a very special installment for you this evening. Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, this blog is about to go LIVE! Not quite yet, though. I am writing this sentence from the distant past of EARLIER TODAY! Were we ever so young? I hope you’re well-hydrated and have chosen your safe word because we are about to embark on a two hour journey into product placement and modern country songs. THIS IS…
Before we start down the treacherous road of live blogging, I’d like to give a brief overview of my tumultuous relationship with American Idol. As a moderately successful musician and a noted songbird, I have a vested interest in the portrayal of music in popular culture. Does that mean that I’m the voice of my generation? Probably...I don’t believe in labels, man. I appreciate Idol as an outlet for talented kids but there is a fatal flaw in the show’s formula. The American people, as a whole, are dumb. I’ve been watching this season of Idol and I’ve seen a lot of interesting, original performers get the boot. So, what did you leave us with, America? Two boring teenagers singing contemporary country (the worst kind of country).
One last bit of business before we find ourselves waist-deep in Seacrest. I’ve been hesitant to tackle American Idol this year because that job is already being magnificently handled by Paul F. Tompkins over at Vulture. As I've mentioned before, Mr. F. Tompkins has had a major influence on my writing and his weekly Idol recaps have been brilliant. Therefore, it is with deep regret that I must live blog the American Idol finale, knowing full well that my actions will eventually lead to my fighting Paul F. Tompkins on a mountaintop. There can be only one! Alright, I've insulted two wholesome teenagers, the entire population of America, and threatened the very life of one of my favorite entertainers. I think it’s time to get this show on the road! I am climbing into my DeLorean and I'll join you in...
RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!
7:55 Eastern Standard Time
Hello, Internuts! WE ARE LIVE! It's like we're watching this together, you and I. Would you like anything from the fridge? Fresca? I'll be writing as fast as I can so you should be able to view new content every few minutes. You'll have to keep refreshing the page but I trust you can handle it. You are a grown-up! I won't have much time to edit so please forgive any spelling errors that make it in. Before the show begins, here are my predictions: Scotty will win. J.Lo will wear too much makeup. There will be MANY uncomfortable group songs. Let's see how I do!
And we're off!!! We're treated to a clip package that counts the number of contestants down to 2. Scotty and Lauren! Seacrest looks resplendent in his tux and he reminds us that we're watching the finale. Apparently, there were 122 million votes cast last night. Ryan asks the crowd where their allegiance lies and the crowd responds with angry yelling. We meet our judges. Steven Tyler is dressed like America's spinster aunt. The Top 13 sing "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga. I don't like it. American Idol has to have a lot of money to throw around. How does this still look like a parent's camcorder footage from a high school musical? Commercial!
Seacrest tells me that James will be performing with Judas Priest. James is dressed like it's biker night on Fire Island. That's not a dig at the gay community...it is decidedly a dig at James. James and the boys throat-sing their way through a medley of JP songs. I'm embarrassed for everyone involved here. We now get a clip package of Randy Jackson saying "What show is this" and "In it to win it" for like 2 minutes. Now, Jacob and Gladys Knight and another guy sing a gospel song. It's okay. I guess they're raising money for the tornado victims. That makes it a little better. James didn't mention the tornado victims. He and Judas Priest must love natural disasters. Commercial!
8:25 EST Beardy Hobbit and Jack Black welcome us back from the break by singing "Fat Bottom Girls." I like this! Why can't this be the end of the show? There is scat singing and girls riding bikes! Seacrest is waiting for the ladies to come to the stage for their number. He stalls a little. Good job, Seacrest! The ladies sing "Single Ladies" and possibly some other Beyonce songs and I am immediately reminded why most of these girls were forcibly removed from the competition. Oh dear. Now, I like looking at ladies' legs but it looks like these girls were coated in Pam cooking spray and it's weird. This is weird. Haley, who was voted off before the finale, is still doing a great job and it I am still mad at America for kicking her off. Oh shit, here comes Beyonce! I think Beyonce has an industrial fan pointed at her 24 hours a day. Beyonce brought her own dancers because she has no faith whatsoever in the contestants. Everybody hugs...COMMERCIAL!
8:39 EST It's time for Steven Tyler's clip package! Steven talks a bunch of gibberish and hits on a bunch of 15 year old girls. Steven gets a standing ovation. Good for you, Steve! Now Haley is gonna sing a jazz tune with Tony Bennett. Tony's 84 and he's still got it. He and Haley do a little dance. It's cute. This is cute. Now it's Jennifer Lopez's turn to look back at her life. All the young male contestants remind J.Lo that even she cannot escape the slow decay of age. Now it's time for TLC featuring Lil Jon and some other people! My girlfriend points out that it's really just TC since the L passed away. This is all in very good taste! Next, Scotty and Tim McGraw sing an uplifting country song about cancer. Fun? Is this the only song in history to combine terminal illness and "a bull named Fu Manchu?" I'm really asking. I will not be researching this. Commercial!
8:59 EST Remember when the show was fun and we all laughed guiltily at the terrible singers and (if we're being honest) seriously troubled human beings? Well, Idol remembers too and they have another clip package. Now, it's time for Marc Anthony (J.Lo's Tom Arnold) to sing a song. This is not so great. Ooooohhh, now Jennifer Lopez is on the stage to perform the marital act of love. J.Lo doesn't even get a mic. She just shakes her ass like the Fly Girl that she has always been. Clip package time! God always answers my prayers but sometimes the answer is "no." A bunch of the guys let us know that getting kicked off the show sucks. The video devolves into "comedy" and we all have a good laugh. Teenage reality show contestants are known for their impeccable comic timing! The guys sing a medley of completely unrelated songs. Hey, Tom Jones is there! Is he the most famous Welshman in the world? Again, I will not be looking into this further so you're on your own. Anthony Hopkins? Is he Welsh? No matter! Commercial!!!
9:19 EST Yup, it's a Ford music video. Ford donates $20 per test drive to each of the finalists' schools. Christ in a rickshaw, Ford...can't you just donate some money? Scotty and Lauren give Ford Focuses (Focusi?) to their favorite teachers. For this act of charity, Scotty and Lauren get to pick the Ford vehicle of their choice. See, it pays to be generous! Lady Gaga shows up dressed like the blue lady from The 5th Element and sings from on top of a mountain like Simba. Oops, her clothes fell off. Now there's a dude up there and they mime at least 7 sex positions by my count. Remember, young girls, this is how you become a famous singer! COMMERCIAL!
9:31 EST Lauren's singing a Carrie Underwood song. Is Carrie Underwood going to show up? Yes. There she is. Carrie Underwood also has creepily shiny legs. What is happening to legs? I think I'll actually research this phenomenon...you know...for science. Clip package time! The other contestants say a bunch of nice things about Scotty and Lauren. Guess what? Beyonce's back to sing her "favorite song." It's called "1 + 1" and it seems to be about basic arithmetic and boning. Why does Beyonce get to sing 2 songs? Is it because 1 + 1 = 2? CONSPIRACY! COMMERCIAL!
9:45 EST Uh oh. Spiderman musical. Spiderman swings around for a minute on clearly visible wires and then Bono sings a song about it. I'm still waiting for the big reveal that the Spiderman musical is an elaborate Andy Kaufman-esque joke. J.Lo almost kisses Spiderman but his mask gets caught. Oh well. At least nobody got hurt. Commercial!
9:54 EST Home stretch!!! Will there be another commercial in the last 6 minutes? I bet you know the answer to that. Steven Tyler sings "Dream On" and he sounds pretty damn good for an 80 year old scarecrow. I love this song. Am I old too? Probably. Commercial!!! Asked and answered.
10:01 EST And we're officially running long. Seacrest requests the envelope containing the name of the winner. The lights are dimmed. And...Scotty wins! I don't care. THIS IS YOUR FAULT, AMERICA. Lauren takes it pretty well. Scotty thanks Lauren and JC, his Lord and Savior. Scotty walks down to hug his family and he gets choked up. This is actually kinda nice. I'm sure Scotty is a nice kid and he seems genuinely overwhelmed. Good for you, Scotty. I'm still not going to buy your record though...
Well, we did it. Two hours later we've seen some good things, some bad things, and a Spiderman. Thanks for watching with me, Internuts! I'll have something new for you after the holiday! Good night!!!