Chris watches Celebrity Apprentice.

Hey gang!  Well, it’s that time again!  Time to make the donuts?  Of course not, stupid!  It’s time for me to watch some more television that I would normally avoid like The Black Death.  After some soul searching, I’ve chosen a humdinger this week.  Let me introduce you to…

Celebrity Apprentice! 

There is one reason and one reason alone that I chose to watch Celebrity Apprentice this evening.  I saw a commercial in which Meat Loaf was screaming violently at Gary Busey.  Meat Loaf screaming violently at Gary Busey!  I must confess that I’m more than a little excited about this.  I eagerly hunted down the Meat Loaf meltdown episode On Demand and settled in.  Were you aware that Celebrity Apprentice is an hour and a half long?  I WASN’T!  I was expecting to devote half an hour to this thing!  There is no way that there's 90 minutes worth of entertainment to be had here.  Resigned to my fate, I fix a stiff drink and hit play.

Allow me to introduce you to the contestants!  On Team Backbone we have Gary Busey, John Rich, Lil Jon, Meat Loaf, Mark McGrath, Richard Hatch, and Jose Canseco.  For Team A.S.A.P. we’ve got Hope Dworaczyk, La Toya Jackson, Marlee Matlin, NeNe Leakes, and Star Jones.  I have never heard of half those people!  Let’s get acquainted with some of the less celebrated celebrities.  John Rich is apparently a country singer with a foolish mustache.  Mark McGrath was the front man of the terrible band Sugar Ray.  Richard Hatch is a former Survivor winner and a current ex-convict.  Jose Canseco is a proponent of steroids.  Hope Dworaczyk is a Playboy Playmate.  La Toya Jackson is the Jackson sister who’s nipple didn’t pop out at the Super Bowl.  Marlee Matlin is the B.L. (beautiful lineswoman) of Seinfeld fame.  NeNe Leakes is one of the Real Housewives of Who Gives a Shit.  Star Jones is terrible.

Mustache John.

We meet the gang as last week’s boardroom meeting is wrapping up.  Apparently, Dionne Warwick got fired last week.  If she was a real psychic she wouldn’t have been so surprised!  Trump sits everybody down and introduces the newest challenge.  The teams must create works of art to be sold for charity.  Marlee is chosen as the project manager for Team A.S.A.P (Artists, Singers, Authors, Professionals).  The mustachioed John Rich is chosen to lead Team Backbone.

Before things kick into high gear, Jose Canseco meets privately with Trump and announces that he is leaving the competition because his father is gravely ill.  Trump is actually very decent and donates $25,000 to Jose’s charity anyway.  Good for you, Trump!  Soon enough, the teams are off to the art supply store to stock up.  Apropos of nothing, Mustache John says, “Gary Busey is kind of like a one-legged cat trying to bury a turd in a frozen pond.”  Folksy!  The guys head back to get started on their paintings.  Meat Loaf can’t find his bag of supplies.  Then this happens…

Out of nowhere, Meat Loaf completely loses his shit on Busey.  It is tremendous.  Against all odds, Busey behaves like a completely sane and rational person.  Eventually, Sugar Ray steps in to break things up and Mustache John reminds Loaf that they are trying to raise money for charity.  Moments later, Loaf’s bag of art supplies is found and the status quo is returned.  The guys start working on their art projects.  Gary Busey paints a buffalo because of course he does.  Meanwhile, the gals are hard at work on their own projects.  Star and NeNe engage in a no-holds-barred sass off. 

He's the sane one.

The fellas finish their works of art early and head to the gallery.  The gals take forever to finish their projects, rationalizing that there will not be any traffic in midtown Manhattan at 5 PM on a Friday.  To the surprise of none, it takes 3 hours for the ladies to make it to their gallery.  While the ladies are stuck in traffic, Mustache John is busy contacting his rich, cowboy-hat-wearing friends to bid on the art.  We meet Mustache John’s wealthy friend “Two Foot Fred” who is a little person.  Is there a union rule that stipulates that every single reality show needs to feature at least one little person?

Meat Loaf takes Busey aside and apologizes for his freak out.  Busey accepts the apology.  Busey says “Meatloaf excelled to the level of dancing on a rainbow with no fear.”  Alright!  The ladies finally arrive at their gallery with only minutes to spare.  As the evening progresses the paintings are selling like hotcakes.  Shoddily made hotcakes.  Some of the items are selling for six figures!  I keep telling myself that this is all for charity.  “Two Foot Fred” buys a bedazzled guitar and Mustache John joyfully picks him up like a kitten.  Boundaries, Mustache John!  Boundaries!

Loser.

Eventually all the “art” is sold and we are whisked back to the boardroom to learn the results.  Half the team members have to stand.  How are there not enough chairs in the boardroom?  That seems like an easy problem to fix.  Trump’s resident sycophant, George, tells us the totals.  Team Backbone raised $626,908 for a children’s hospital.  Team A.S.A.P. raised $986,000 for the hearing impaired.  That’s actually really cool.  Trump even throws in an extra $14k to round the total to an even million.  Survivor’s Richard Hatch is shown the door because he is a waste of space and nobody wanted his art.  I actually really enjoyed the show.  All that altruism balanced out the normal reality television filth and I am left feeling like I haven’t wasted 90 minutes of my life.  Well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves, Internuts!  Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here real soon!