Hello, friends. Do you ever wonder about the Presidents of the
? I mean, really wonder… Armed only with my trusty friend Wikipedia and a 3rd grade education, I will be tackling each of our nation’s Presidents. Physically tackling them. To the ground. For their lunch money. Today’s President is… United States
|An early depiction of John Adams.|
A moment after John Adams disappeared in front of Herman Guttall, he reappeared mysteriously in the parlor of Thomas Jefferson.
Jefferson was taken aback…and with good reason! Adams was dressed in filthy rags and could only croak out a few monosyllabic words (most of the words having to do with gold or riddles or sucking marrow from the bones of wicked men). Jefferson, as a man of science, took it upon himself to instruct Adams in the ways of civility.
|A domesticated Adams.|
Jefferson spent the next five years training
Adams to be a proper gentleman. Every night, Jefferson would instruct a servant to place a lavish place setting in front of Adams for the evening meal. It took two years for Adams to control his urge to eat the servant. It took two more years for Adams to refrain from crushing the dining table with his mighty stone fists. By 1764, Adams was as civilized as any stone-fisted Bavarian bridge monster could be and Jefferson doted on him like a proud father. However, Adams and Jefferson parted ways in anger after Adams broke Jefferson’s prototype dumbwaiter and then ate Jefferson’s favorite servant in an apoplectic rage. The relationship between the two men would remain cool for many years.
|How you doin?|
While at the Continental Congress,
Adams sagely nominated George Washington to be commander-in-chief during the coming war. Adams was also a begrudging supporter of Thomas Jefferson, even though animosity still existed between the men. Adams insisted that Jefferson include an advertisement for “John Adams’s Famous Fox Pulled Sleds” in the Declaration of Independence. Jefferson balked at this proposal and the two men escalated their disagreement into a feud that would last well into their old age.
During the last years of the revolution, Adams was twice dispatched to
Europe by Congress. Due to Adams’s eccentric sleeping habits, he made both transatlantic voyages sealed in a wooden coffin. Adams’s arrival in on a foggy evening made a significant impression on young Abraham Stoker who would later regale his son, Bram, with the story. You might know Bram Stoker’s famous novel: The Time My Father Told Me About Seeing John Adams Get Out of a Coffin One Time. Eventually, Adams was appointed the first American ambassador to France . Upon meeting his former ruler, King George III, Great Britain Adams remarked, “I must avow to your Majesty that I have no attachment but to my own country.” King George responded, “You are clearly a bridge troll. Does nobody else see this?” Adams was frustrated that the King did not take him seriously and boarded the next ship home.
|John Adams's Famous Fox Pulled Hacky Sack|
After two terms of “snapping necks and cashing checks” as the Vice President,
Adams threw his hat in the ring for the big job in 1796. John Adams narrowly defeated his old rival Thomas Jefferson, who became the Vice President. Adams closely followed ’s example as President. He retained Washington Washington’s cabinet and would wear ’s old slippers around the house. Washington Adams was a famously cranky President. He would later admit, “I refused to suffer in silence. I sighed, sobbed, and groaned, and sometimes screeched and screamed. And I must confess to my shame and sorrow that I sometimes swore.” Adams is referring to his penchant for addressing all visiting heads of state as “titty cocks.” While President, Adams made significant contributions to the American Army and Navy and (most importantly) maintained the status quo during our first Presidential transition.
Depressed after his defeat, Adams lived a quiet life in
. In 1812, a mutual friend convinced Adams to mend his relationship with Braintree Jefferson. The two former Presidents reestablished their friendship through correspondence and remained friends for the rest of their lives. Adams passed away on July 4, 1826 (exactly 50 years after the signing of the Declaration of Independence). His last words were, “Thomas Jefferson survives.” Little did Adams know that Jefferson had passed away just a few hours earlier. Jefferson’s last words were, “I hope John Adams's last words aren't going to be about me still being alive. Also, foxes are a terrible means of conveyance." Until next time, Internuts!