Chris watches Say Yes to the Dress.

Hello, computer users!  It is once again time for me to sit through a questionable piece of television and spit out some comedic ramblings for your weekend consumption.  Please grasp the hem of my smoking jacket as we jump into today’s installment…

Say Yes to the Dress!

This is another program that I have never before had the pleasure of watching.  It seems fairly straightforward…a few future brides try on wedding dresses until they say “yes.”  “Yes” to the dress!  Simple enough.  Before we meet any of the bridezillas, we are shown a staff meeting at the dress shop.  They mention that 80% of the brides buy the first dress they try on.  Do you think this statistic is foreshadowing a future narrative development?  YUP!  Let’s meet these blushing brides!

Kristy

Let’s say hi to Kristy.  Hi Kristy!  Kristy has brought along her two “maid of honors” [sic], her mom, her dad, and her brother.  Kristy is on the hunt for a dress that is “piratey.”   You know, like a pirate.  A wedding dress that is like a pirate.  I often imagine seeing the love of my life walking down the aisle and thinking, I should really eat more citrus fruit so I don‘t get scurvy.  As it turns out, Kristy met her fiancé (who is 18 years her senior and her boss…castles made of sand, everybody) while she was wearing a cast on her foot.  He joked that the cast was like an anchor.  Now she wants to dress like a pirate at their wedding.  Your actions have consequences, Kristy's fiancé!

Before trying on the first dress, Kristy makes it clear that she won’t spend more than $5000.  My Y chromosomes and I think this is a ridiculously large number.  We’re not talking about a Gold Top Gibson Les Paul here!  Am I right, ladies?  Kristy tries on the first dress and is immediately in love with it.  Her friends give it a 7 out of 10.  A member of her entourage says that Kristy needs to look more like “a pirate hooker.”  With friends likes these, who needs enemies?  Or friends?  Kristy has terrible friends.

Kristy tries on 2 more dresses but she obviously likes the first one best.  Her friends keep forcing her to try stupid looking dresses.  One frenemy tells the camera that she is “testing” Kristy’s love for the first dress in much the same way lions “test” gazelles.  Even the salesperson is getting sick of Kristy’s friends…imagine how I feel!  I don’t care for this!  Finally, Kristy silences the cackling by SAYING YES TO THE DRESS!!!

Laura

Let’s say hi to Laura.  Hi Laura!  Laura has brought along her parents, her brother, her aunt, and a friend.  Her father does not want to be there.  Laura makes it clear that her parents are paying for the dress because Laura is saving her money for a “sick honeymoon.”  Classy.  She wants to keep the price around $2000.  Laura’s dad wants the dress to have feathers as a tribute to her great-grandfather who was a chicken plucker.  For a moment, I am sure that the censor at TLC really let one slide.  After a quick rewind, he definitely said plucker.  Whew.  Things got all David Mamet-y for a second there!

Laura tries on the first dress and she loves it.  I, as a viewer, am not surprised.  Foreshadowed!  While the salespeople are fussing with the dress, a seam pops in the back and her family gets a full on view of Laura’s ass.  Awesome.  Laura next tries on a feather dress as a joke.  Her dad says it’s sexy.  I am becoming more and more uncomfortable.  Laura tries on a third dress with a droopy flower on it.  Her dad comments that the flower is flaccid “like a penis.”  What the hell is going on here?  Right before I get a chance to call social services about Laura’s father SHE SAYS YES TO THE DRESS!!!

Donna

Let’s say hi to Donna.  Hi Donna!  She is at the shop for a fitting and a quick alteration before her wedding.  Donna is what you call a “woman of a certain age.”  I’m guessing the “certain age” is 93 because Donna is not looking too good.  That doesn’t stop her from getting married in a see-through pink wedding dress with rhinestones.  In a moment of sublime irony, Donna is the one who is dressed like a pirate hooker!  Her friend insists that she looks like Cinderella.  At this point, I am confident that her friend has absolutely no idea who or what Cinderella is.  We are treated to a glimpse of Donna’s wedding.  Did you already guess that it was held outside a casino in Vegas?  Of course you did!  Alright gang, that’s all for today.  Have a fantastic weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!