Chris watches True Blood.

Hey there, fang bangers!  I must apologize for my prolonged absence.  I have been suffering under the demands of a busy schedule, the terrible effects of nicotine withdrawal, and run-of-the-mill summer laziness.  These long days of summer simply don’t lend themselves to blog writing!  I’ll try to motivate myself a little better and write at least one new post each week.  And - not to dangle a metaphorical (or literal) carrot in front of your face - but I have some cool new stuff in the works that will be unfurled in the weeks to come.  Stay tuned!  In the meantime, whether you love this show or are too cheap to pay for HBO let’s see what’s new on…

True Blood!

Now, THAT'S how you get pink eye!

Spoiler Alert:  If you haven’t seen the season 4 premiere of True Blood, I’m going to be discussing it in detail.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Before we recap True Blood together, let me fill you in on my complicated relationship with this television program.  I have been watching True Blood since the very beginning.  “That’s not very complicated,” you say.  Shut up for a minute, dummy!  I have watched every season of this show and I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH!!!  I’ve tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for this but I can only come up with two explanations…and both of them are boobies.  I like boobies!  I like vampires, I like serialized television, I like plot twists…but I REALLY like boobies.  That said, let’s see if boobies will be enough to keep me interested in tonight’s episode!

Boobies!!!

I saw a quick preview of this episode about a week ago and it looked unnervingly bad.   We join our gal Sookie in the Fairy Realm.  If you’re wondering what a Fairy Realm looks like, it looks like an Olive Garden with a lot of glowing fruit hanging from fake trees.  Sookie was brought to this mystical Olive Garden by her…wait for it…Fairy Godmother!  I am starting to lose faith in this entire endeavor.  Sookie notices her dead Gran-Pappy, Bill Lumbergh, chowing down on a glow apple.  Sookie catches up with Lumbergh and meets Mab, the Queen of the Fairies.  Sookie wisely decides that the light-up fruit is bad news and things go downhill in a hurry.  Within minutes, Sookie and Lumbergh are being chased through the desert by a bunch of sepia-toned orcs.  The pair are forced to jump into a chasm because the creepy orc-fairies keep throwing lighting balls at them.  Am I getting older or is this dumb?

Yeah...my talents are being wasted.

Boom!!!  Sookie and Lumbergh are back in Bon Temps and the world is no longer sepia-toned.  Lumbergh is not long for the world because he has been eating glowy apples for, like, twenty years and apparently that means he has to die now.  Alright!  Lumbergh bequeaths his pocket watch to Jason and turns into dust.  Thus far, Milton and Lumbergh have been killed off on this show.  Somebody in the writers’ room has a vendetta against Office Space alumni.  Sookie makes her way home and discovers that she’s been missing for more than a year!

Sookie heads home to discover that, while she was missing, her house was sold to a suspicious company.  There is NO WAY that this plot point will come up again!  As soon as the sun sets, her dueling vampire suitors: Bill (the bad actor) and Eric (the good actor) show up at her front door.  Eventually the law shows up, in the form of Andy Bellefleur, to find out where Sookie’s been for a year.  At Bill’s urging, Sookie admits that she was away on “vampire business.”  My eyes are starting to glaze over. 

Meanwhile, we meet Lafayette on route to a witch P.T.A. meeting with his boyfriend Jesus.  Lafayette has always been one of the more entertaining characters and he continues to make this train wreck palatable.  The writers believe that having a homosexual character named Jesus is shocking enough that they don’t have to create anything interesting about said character.  Whoops.  As it turns out, Lafayette is some kind of super witch because every single character on this show is contractually bound to be something.  All the witches join hands and bring a parakeet back to life.  And now we know what ADDITIONAL supernatural creatures are going to be featured this year!  Hint: IT’S WITCHES!!!

Like this, if Darren had a mowhawk.

As things chug along, we meet Terry Bellefleur (the blonde cook), Arlene (the redheaded waitress), and their baby Mikey (the baby named Mikey).  Mikey is a few months old and is already decapitating Barbie dolls.  Things are looking good!  We also check in on Jessica (the vampire) and Hoyt (the non-vampire).  Jessica and Hoyt treat us to a scene that is destined to usurp Rocky for the best use of raw eggs and domestic tension since 1976.  We also learn that Sam Merlotte DID NOT kill his brother but, rather, shot him square in the leg.  It turns out that Sam is dealing with this guilt by drinking wine, stripping nekkid, and turning into a horse with a couple other shape-shifty types.  I’d like to exaggerate some of these plotlines but I no longer believe that to be necessary for the sake of comedy.  Yikes.

Gross.

Jason, who in the missing year became a cop or something, is still visiting his young charges in the meth hamlet of Hotshot.  While giving out some chunks of raw meat, Jason gets beaned in the head with a shovel and thrown into a freezer.  Okay.  Also, we are shocked to discover that Sookie’s house is now owned by Eric (the good actor) who has now decided that he owns her too.  Alright…

Initial Thoughts:

Yeah.  That wasn't very good, right?  We did meet Tara for a minute.  She’s living in New Orleans and she’s a lesbian kick-boxer now.  I didn't think it would be possible to NOT be interested in some half-naked, lesbian kick-boxers.  Hoo boy, this is gonna be a long season!  I will try my best to keep up with this show but I’ll let you know how long I can make it.  Boobies are helping a little, but…really?  I’ll meet you back here soon, Internuts!


P.S. - Also, Bill is King of the Vampires or something now.  I legitimately forgot about that...