Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Chris eats a hamburger.

The Food:
The BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger


The Pitch:
“When you take a flame-broiled patty, stuff it with jalapenos and cheddar cheese on the inside, top that with spicy poblano sauce, ripe tomato and crisp iceberg lettuce, and somehow fit it all on a toasted, corn-dusted bun ... well, you've got yourself a fire hazard. What we're saying is we had to get the fire marshal's permission to sell this thing. Did we bribe him with the one-of-a-kind BK STUFFED STEAKHOUSE™ Burger? Our lawyers won't let us tell you. Limited time only. At participating restaurants.” - The Official Burger King Website

First Impressions:
The ubiquitous TV spots for this burger piqued my interest immediately (I’m awaiting my cash prize for using “ubiquitous” and “piqued” in the same sentence). As we all know, fast food on television is usually shellacked, primped and airbrushed until it looks so delicious that our willpower collectively implodes. I’ve been tricked into buying more Cheesy Gordita Crunches than I care to admit. But every single commercial spot for the BK Stuffed Steakhouse makes it look ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE. There is random crap floating in the burger cataracts in a rheumy eye. If you haven’t seen the commercials, let me paint you a picture. If a cow was thrown from a cargo plane at cruising altitude, fell to the earth, smashed into a LEGO factory and the LEGO-infused carrion was then shoveled onto a toasted, corn-dusted bun…well, you’ve got yourself a BK Stuffed Steakhouse, friend!

I was also curious about the “poblano sauce” referenced above. I typed “poblano sauce” into Google and the first returned result was “mole sauce.” Alright, Burger King, you have my attention. It’s about time we started mashing those sightless vermin into a sauce worthy of this disgusting burger! I imagine that the moles just wanted to stay home to finish their spring cleaning. Soon enough, Ratty came knocking and then it was off to see Mr. Toad at Toad Hall. As is so often the case, light-hearted anthropomorphic adventures quickly snowballed into mole genocide at the hands of the Burger King Kids Club. It’s a tale as old as time. But alas, after actually reading the article I learned that “mole” is just Spanish for “sauce”. I am crestfallen.

Getting Acquainted:
I stop by my friendly, neighborhood Burger King to obtain one of these culinary delights for myself. It only costs $3.99! What an age we live in. It turns out the Stuffed Steakhouse has 600 calories. The Double Whopper with Cheese has 990. Guess who’s eating healthy tonight? I would raise my left arm to indicate myself but it is completely numb. Also, I taste copper…HEALTHY!

The burger arrives swaddled in a paper wrapper which sagely advises: “Have it your way.” That’s good advice, burger paper. I may need to rethink my entire life. Maybe I’ll get some books on Eastern medicine. Buy a van. Get really into the sixties. I’m having it MY way! You’ve changed me for the better, sloppy burger wrapper!

When fully disrobed from the paper (Namaste!) the burger doesn’t look half bad. The exterior of the patty is so charred that you barely notice the creepy hunks of cheese and produce. The bun looks pretty tasty. The mole sauce, lettuce, and tomato look a little shady but no worse than any other fast food sandwich. The aroma is comparable to a studio apartment in Arizona…a little spicy and sort of depressing. Now to take a bite…

The Taste:
Hmmmm…let me just…hmmmmmmm. The cheese and pepper bits are judiciously scattered throughout the burger. The beef patty tastes like standard BK but, against all odds, the added lumps actually make it taste better! Whaattt?!? The jalapenos give everything a pleasant heat but don‘t overwhelm. The veggies are a little soggy but that‘s to be expected. The bun is quite good (called it). The mole sauce is a standout…delicious! Overall, this is a tasty burger. A TASTY BURGER.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not good food. It is bad food. But, it’s pretty good fast food. If I found myself at a rest stop with $4 in my pocket and a complete disregard for my circulatory system I would not regret picking one up. And let’s not forget that this particular burger is breaking new ground…sticking it to The Man…tilting the scales…rocking the Casbah. This is the first food IN HISTORY that’s more appetizing in reality than it is on TV. I just blew your mind.

I hope this has been a valuable service, dearest reader. I’d love to get some recommendations for more food to try out. Please leave me a comment or send an email. Keep on keepin’ on, Internuts! Until next time…

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