Monday, March 7, 2011

Chris watches a Lifetime movie.

Your eyes have not deceived you, gentle reader. This evening I will be watching and writing about Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy. “But Chris, aren’t Lifetime movies for women? What are you, a woman?” Take it easy, Mel Gibson. Despite my child bearing hips, I am all man…just ask your mother. POW! I apologize.

As an ongoing feature of this site, I will actively seek out the sort of television that I’d normally avoid at all costs. Feel free to send me suggestions for future shows and I will take them under advisement. I might even tackle a full season if the show isn’t too horrendous. I’ll keep you posted. But enough foreplay…let’s get to it, shall we?

Disclaimer: I am going to be describing THE ENTIRE PLOT OF THIS DUMB MOVIE. If you don’t want this cinematic gem to be spoiled for you I suggest you go elsewhere. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Before Viewing:
Right out of the gates…Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy is a terrible title. I would have gone with Amanda Knox: Olive Garden of Lies or Amanda Knox: Soup, Salad, Breadsticks…and Murder!*

Hayden Panetierre
Hayden Panetierre (Pronounced: Panera Bread) plays the titular Amanda Knox. Ms. Panera Bread was on Heroes and has probably done other things as well! She is cuter than an ice cream truck full of kitten sneezes. I refuse to believe that this adorable little wood nymph could commit murder. Unless, that is, she murders people with her dimples! Does she? I really have no idea what this movie is about.

Marcia Gay Harden plays Amanda’s mother. Marcia Gay Harden was really good in The Mist. I wish I was about to watch The Mist right now. I wonder if I have The Mist on DVD…

I’m not going to lie. I just watched The Mist. Alright, let’s get this over with…

*My knowledge of Italy is based entirely on Olive Garden commercials.

During Viewing:
Alright! I’m watching a Lifetime movie! I am immediately reminded that it’s “based on a true story.” We first meet Amanda (Panera Bread) and some Italian guy who looks like Harry Potter. They are hanging around outside Amanda’s apartment in Italy when some cops show up. There’s a broken window in the apartment and blood in the bathroom. In no time they discover the body of Amanda’s roommate, Meredith, upstairs. Oh snap.

A murderer.
Whoosh, we’re traveling back in time (LOST style). It is now a month and a half earlier. Amanda is going to college in Perugia, Italy. Amanda meets Harry Potter (his real name is Raffaele) at a concert and the two fall in love. They feed each other chocolate covered strawberries and sleep together IMMEDIATELY. Amanda actually says that her new boyfriend looks like Harry Potter. I feel vindicated. Amanda and her roomie, Meredith, have an argument about cleaning the apartment. This movie is leading me to believe that someone is about to be murdered because they like a tidy home. This cannot possibly be the case. Right?

Boom, we’re back in the present. Amanda and Harry Potter are waiting to be questioned by the police. They are getting hot and heavy IN THE POLICE STATION. Amanda starts doing cartwheels in the HALLWAY OF THE POLICE STATION. Hayden Panera Bread is still as cute as a baby sleeping in a mitten but she is making poor decisions! Amanda is interviewed by the police and explains that she thought the pool of blood on the bathroom floor was menstrual blood. Yikes. I wish I was still watching The Mist.

The Italian fuzz do some sleuthing and match up DNA and footprints and whatnot to prove that Panera Bread and Italian Harry Potter were in on the murder. This would be a shock if they weren’t acting like murderers this whole time. Meanwhile, the cops pick up an entirely different guy who we haven’t seen before and say that he was in on the murder too. I no longer know what is happening and start playing with my phone. Apparently, this new guy lived downstairs in the same apartment building and used to sell Amanda pot. Ok, fine.

Panera Bread, Italian Harry Potter and pot dealer guy are all put in jail. While we’re waiting for the trial Amanda has a meeting with the prison doctor who tells her that she is HIV positive. What? Wait. What? Two minutes later the doctor tells her it was a mix-up and she doesn’t have HIV. If I were being paid a handsome salary to edit this movie I would probably have spent some more time on this. Just saying…

The trial has started and the courtroom scenes JUST WON‘T STOP. I can feel my hair growing. Again, there would be much more suspense at this point if the accused murderers were not so obviously the actual murderers. Italian judges wear hilarious robes with little tassels on them. The judges’ robes have been the best part of the movie thus far. Pot dealer guy elects for a “fast-track trial” which is apparently a thing. I imagine it’s like the fast pass you can get at Disney World but with prison instead of spinning teacups at the end. Pot dealer guy gets 30 years in jail. Panera Bread and Italian Harry Potter look more and more guilty over the course of the trial. The verdict is: GUILTY. They get 26 and 25 years, respectively. Panera Bread is sad (but still adorable). Marcia Gay Harden is sad. I am sad that I watched this. Fade to black.

Final Thoughts:
So, if this movie is to be believed, AMANDA KNOX MURDERED HER ROOMMATE BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WANT TO CLEAN UP AROUND THE HOUSE?!? The movie itself was not as bad as I thought it would be. Just imagine a really, really, really long episode of Law and Order. In Italy. Ugh. Well, thanks for stopping by, my steadfast friend. Until next time!

1 comment:

  1. Chris this was SO HILARIOUS! I loved it, please do more Lifetime movies! If you prefer the "based on a true story" they have True Movie Thursdays.