Hello again, gang. In an effort to create some more grist for my industrial blog-mill I’ll be starting a brand new recurring feature today. Do you ever wonder about the Presidents of the
? I mean, really wonder… Armed only with my trusty friend Wikipedia and a 3rd grade education, I will be tackling each of our nation’s Presidents. Physically tackling them. To the ground. For their lunch money. Today’s President is… United States
|Mary Washington. A cougar?|
What do we know about George Washington? For starters, we know that he was born in the French Antilles and was made entirely of wood. But any schoolboy knows that! Let’s dig deeper into the life of our first President! George Herbert Walker Washington was born February 22, 1732 in Saint Barthelemy, a small island on the
Caribbean Sea. George’s father, Augustine “The President Maker” Washington was a respected gentleman and the first man in history to play the steel drums. Augustine’s wife, Mary, was a devoted mother to George and a handsome, handsome woman. George also had five siblings who didn’t become President so let’s not waste our time on those pieces of crap!
We’ve all heard about young
’s fateful encounter with a cherry tree. The story goes that, as a boy, George chopped down his father’s prized tree. When questioned about it, George supposedly said, “I can’t tell a lie, Pa” and confessed his misdeed. What history neglects to tell us is that George’s father proceeded to punch him straight in the mouth, knocking out George’s beautiful, beautiful teeth. George was then thrown aboard a frigate bound for the colonies to think about what he had done. Washington
The next two decades of George Washington’s life have been swallowed by the gaping maw of history. Some say that George led a merry band of thieves, stealing from the rich and (inexplicably) giving back to the rich. Some say that George secluded himself in the mountains of
, practicing Presidential stuff and lifting X-Wing fighters with his mind. What we do know is that during those lost years George fashioned a set of dentures for himself out of hickory, moose antler, and Indian tears. Virginia
Wikipedia tells me that the French and Indian War, also known as the Seven Years War, lasted from 1754 to 1758. The Seven Years War lasted four years. Why would a war that raged for four years be called the Seven Years War? Inflation, that’s why! Anyway, during the war years George was a well-regarded soldier, fighting valiantly on behalf of the British colonies. After what may-or-may-not have been four years of fighting,
remarked, “Enough of this, everybody chillax.” The muskets fell silent and peace was declared. Washington
During peacetime George met and fell in love with Martha Custis, a widowed slave owner with two children of her own. Say what you will about George Washington, he knew how to pick ‘em! George and Martha married and moved to the impenetrable volcano fortress at
. Mount Vernon occupied his time with farming, fox hunting, card playing, and slave owning. Washington
In the 1770’s,
became bored with his life as a fox-hunting-volcano-dwelling-bon vivant and decided to start another war. Washington Washington rode his faithful horse, Nelson, to where he boarded a British ship and began hurling barrels of tea into the harbor. This momentous event would come to be known as the “Boston Tea Massacre.” Witnesses overheard an incensed Boston Washington screaming, “Suck it, !” and “I’m starting a war again!” But it was not that easy! England Washington would have to convince the other colonies to take up arms before he could force to “suck it.” England
In 1775, George attended the Second Continental Congress to convince his fellow patriots that a war with
was necessary. England used subtle put-downs and prop comedy to persuade the other colonists. “Look at Ben Franklin over here,” George cried. “You don’t need bifocals to see that we must become our own sovereign nation!” A rim shot followed. Washington proceeded to “roast” King George III in effigy for 9 hours to the delight of some. Washington
|The Friar's Club Roast of George III.|
Now George just needed to win the war.
quickly realized that the Continental Army could never defeat the British in open warfare. He quickly adopted the Fabian strategy - using small, focused attacks followed by quick retreats - to disorient and demoralize the Redcoats. After a grueling winter in Valley Forge, Washington fatefully joined forces with Mel Gibson and his ragtag militia. This decision would prove to be the turning point of the war. Gibson produced an enormous stockpile of musket balls (each ball created from a melted lead figurine and imbued with Gibson’s seething hatred of women and Jewish people) which completely overwhelmed the occupying British forces. Washington was vanquished and American independence had been won. England
|An American hero.|
Washington retired in 1797 and returned to
America’s love affair with Mel Gibson had ended and Washington returned from to accept the Presidency. During his two terms, George made a lasting impact on the institution. He argued for the humble title “Mr. President” instead of the more formal “Your Excellency” or “The Majestic Lord Washington: Democratic King of America.” Virginia Washington instituted Free Masonry as ’s favorite creepy secret society. When Benjamin Franklin suggested a turkey for the national bird, America famously responded, “That’s a stupid idea, you fat idiot. Go fly a kite during a lightning storm.” Washington took his advice and that’s how the Franklin Stove was born! Franklin also experienced a change of heart regarding slavery. In 1786 he wrote, "There is not a man living who wishes more sincerely than I do, to see a plan adopted for the abolition of slavery." George vowed to wait 77 years before appearing to Abraham Lincoln as a ghost and sharing this epiphany. Washington
I hope you’ve found this article informative, dear reader. I encourage students to use this information on all of your tests, regardless of the subject. Please take each “fact” with a grain of salt but rest assured that there was some truth mixed in as well. Like the part about the X-Wing fighters. Cross my heart. I’ll see you again soon, Internuts. Until next time!