Monday, March 21, 2011

Chris watches Jersey Shore.

Hey there, friends!  In my ongoing quest to seek out terrible, mind-numbing television (as promised) I will be recapping an episode of Jersey Shore.  Is it the most recent episode of Jersey Shore?  I have no idea…but it was On Demand!  I've seen Jersey Shore a few times but I am no expert.  I know that “T-shirt time” is a catch phrase.  I know that the word “guido” is thrown around with reckless abandon.  I know that there is a “Snooki.”  Let’s see if this episode can fill in the missing pieces…

A glimpse into our bright future.


Name: Pauly D
Nickname: “Pauly D”
Quote: High-pitched squealing.
My Impression: Pauly D reminds me of Alan "Yeah Yeah" McClennan from The Sandlot.  LOOK IT UP!

Name: Nicole
Nickname: “Snooki”
Quote: “I’m going to the Jersey Shore, bitch.”
My Impression: Snooki seems like a lovely young woman with a good head on her shoulders.  Mark my words, she is going places!

Name: Mike
Nickname: “The Situation”
Quote: “Alright, we’ve got a situation.”
My Impression: “The Situation” is a 28 year old man who calls himself “The Situation.”

Name: Sammi
Nickname: “Sweetheart”
Quote: “I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.”
My Impression: Sammi, you can't be a sweet bitch.  Those concepts are contradictory by their very nature.  Unless, you're intentionally referencing the song “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks, in which case, KUDOS!  You should look into Meredith Brooks’ back catalog.  It is delightful.

Name: Ronnie
Nickname: Ronnie
Quote: Low-pitched grunting.
My Impression: If Arnold Schwarzenegger had sex with a pillowcase full of oranges, the resultant baby would be Ronnie.

Name: Jenni
Nickname: “JWOWW”
Quote: “After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.” [sic]
My Impression: Speaking as a red-blooded man, I think JWOWW is the most attractive girl on the show.  Speaking as an intelligent man, I think she probably has the clap.  Everywhere.

Name: Vinny
Nickname: “Vinny”
Quote: “Go Vinny! Go Vinny!”
My Impression:  Who cares about this guy?

Name: Deena
Nickname: “Deena”
Quote: “You like the boobs?”
My Impression:  I get the feeling that Deena is the girl at the bar with vomit in her hair who angrily asks everyone if she can bum a cigarette.  I bet she also screams "this is my song" whenever any song is played.

T-Shirt Time!!!:

Alright!  Now that we’ve met everyone, let’s climb aboard this runaway train like it‘s a missile the size of the Chrysler Building!  We first meet Italian-American disappointments, Vinny and Pauly, en route to see some family on Staten Island.  Pauly is legitimately surprised to discover that Staten Island is an island.  Meanwhile, back at the house, most of the roommates are leaving to get mani-pedis.  I know how that goes…sometimes you just need a mani-pedi! 

A grown man.
While the roommates are away, Mike (let’s call him Sitch…we’re all friends here) is up to his usual monkeyshines.  Sitch lets a couple dogs into the house to eat pizza, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.  Nature takes its course and the dogs proceed to pee and poop on everything.  The Sitch understands that he lives in the house, right?  He’s letting dogs shit in his own house.  Oh, I almost forgot…the dogs’ names are Juice Box and Lean Cuisine.  Awesome.

The other roommates return home and immediately notice the Eau du Dogpiss.  One question looms large.  WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?  WHO?  WHO?  WHO?  WHO?  Deena sniffs the dogs (for reasons that are her own) and smells Sitch’s cologne.  How much cologne is required to leave forensic evidence on a dog?  Too much cologne is the answer!  Sitch denies the accusation and the incident is never spoken of again.  Good storytelling, Jersey Shore!

“Cabs are here!”  Vinny and Pauly return from the, self-described, “guido circus” on Staten Island.  I would like to take this opportunity to say that I feel very uncomfortable writing the word “guido.”  With the gang back together it’s time to go to the club! 

The crew arrives at a club that might actually be purgatory.  Sammi and Ronnie apparently have an on-again, off-again relationship and they drunkenly discuss their deep feelings for one another.  If two aliens (both with severe learning disabilities) arrived from a far away galaxy to act out scenes from When Harry Met Sally it would be far more sincere than Sammi and Ronnie’s relationship talk.  Meanwhile, our girl Snooki is getting friendly with a young gentleman at the bar.  Snooki is heard to say, “Whoever I have babies with, he’s gotta be Italian because the last name needs to have a vowel in it and I want my kid’s last name to have a vowel in it and be tan. Obviously.”  Snooki has a much stronger grasp on ethnocentrism than she does on "vowels."  Like I said…charming.

The gang stumbles home from the club.  The editors at MTV want desperately for me to think significant things are happening.  I am suspect.  There is more sound and fury, signifying nothing.  I’m going to skip over about 20 minutes of barren wasteland.  Finally I hear, “Cabs are here!”  Thank God!  WHAT A HORRIBLE SHOW THIS IS!  Our vacuous stereotypes are heading to a new club.  The new club is also terrible.  Sitch meets a friend named Arvin.  Sitch describes him as “a jacked up, guido MacGyver.”  I’m throwing a flag.  This guy looks like Lou Ferrigno.  Apparently, while Sammi and Ronnie were briefly broken up, Sammi started texting Lou Ferrigno.  I hope she doesn’t make him angry.  She won’t like him when he’s angry.  Thus quoth The Situation: “Pure evidence of treachery, I’ve just seen.”  Sitch immediately drops a dime on Sammi and tells all the other roommates.  It’s almost like he realizes that the more drama he can stir up, the more money he’ll receive…

Pauly prepares to pickle The Beast.
SIDEBAR!  Do you know that the cast members of Jersey Shore are paid $30,000 per episode?  PER EPISODE?!?  There are 13 episodes this season.  That means that “Yeah Yeah” from The Sandlot made $390,000 this year for drinking in excess and making poor decisions.  I make 1/10 of that and I go to work everyday at 7 A.M. to drink in excess and make poor decisions!  I’m getting angry again, let’s wrap this up…

Ronnie confronts Sammi like a steroid-laced gorilla.  The word “shady” is bandied about.  Eventually, the whole house is screaming at one another.  I am bored and disgusted in equal measure.  The episode ends with Ronnie SCREAMING at Sammi about her (alleged) dalliance with Lou Ferrigno.  Roll credits.

Final Thoughts:

What’s the opposite of a cliffhanger?  A cliff-letter-goer-of?  A downhill tumbler?  I DON’T GIVE A CARTWHEELING CRAP HOW ANY OF THIS TURNS OUT!!!  I began this recap thinking that it would be a fun little excursion into trash TV.  I emerged; baffled by the fact that it will take me 10 years to equal 3 months worth of drunken sloth from Deena.  Deena with the vomit in her hair…

Alright, walk it off.  It’s going to be OK.  Thanks for hanging in there, brave citizens!  I’ll have more for you to read as the week goes along.  Until next time!

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